Some Benny Memories from the 17th

Below are memories shared by family and friends on May 17.  We are so blessed to have these people as a part of our lives.

“…the day you and Benny came over to meet Natalie after she was born.  I remember Benny jumping on my couch with his socks on and talking about his chubby little feet and laughing about it.  You had been telling me how much of a handful he was being that day but at my house he was being perfectly fine and I was teasing you that you made it all up!  He was beautiful that day, playing with Nathan’s toys and being silly, a completely adorable little boy and its the memory I always think of when I think of him.  We miss him every day but I love thinking of him and remembering that fresh little smile.”   Michele

“…when Parker and I were driving around for the breast cancer walk and timed everything so the kids could nap, but Benny was the only one not to nap in the car… he waited till we were out of the car to try and nap… This coming from the kid who tried to sleep on cement with scores of people around at Parker’s open house!”   Uncle Chris

“My last memory of Benny was right before Halloween. I brought a large  pumpkin to carve, but he didn’t seem interested in that, but was with the Halloween sponge pieces I brought over to make pumpkin designs on paper. He then sat on the organ bench and showed Nana what a rock star he was, bobbing his head up and down with the music until he bumped his head on the keys! He cried a little, but he was brave and then headed outside with Darcy. I pulled him and Darcy around the yard in the wagon. I was the engineer (woo, woo) and made stops around the yard. He decided to get off at the swing station. He jumped on the swing on his belly (as nana was saying to be careful, no one listened) He swung so high and was laughing so loud. He was fearless!! It was a great day and a day I will always remember.”  Nana

“…being mesmerized by a slinkie, shoving Cheerios into his mouth, bouncing in Kassidy’s chair and trying to climb up our stairs, chasing our cats on Halloween!”  Jessika

 

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Present

‘When a parent dies, you lose your past.   When a child dies, you lose your future.’. Anonymous

I just saw this on someone else’s blog.  I don’t know what to say.  I guess this leaves me with the present.  I’d rather be anywhere than here right now, this purgatory.

I’ve never been able to live in the present.  I’m a planner by nature.  Loosing my mom, my past haunted me.  It was always easier to look forward, predict, plan and prepare.  I always knew that things could change at any given moment and I learned to roll with it, take the obstacles as they came.  I remember being told I was ‘flexible.’

This present thing sucks, but the future is too scary, too unknown.  I know that we have some tough decisions to make, but I don’t want to do it.  What if we make the wrong ones?  What if we just make things worse?

I don’t want to plan anymore.  There are no guarantees, so why bother?  I don’t want deadlines and I don’t want to make any more decisions.  We already had to decide what to do with Benny, where to bury him, how to do it, etc.  Shouldn’t we get a break?  I’m just so tired…

Reading

I read other blogs about baby loss or parents who have lost children and it’s just so hard to relate.  Bennett didn’t have a medical condition, he didn’t die of SIDS.  The guilt equation would be different, but the end result would be the same I suppose.

Today just wasn’t a good day.  I don’t know why, don’t know what triggered it, perhaps a lack of sleep, too much excitement on Saturday, but for whatever reason it just sucked.  And now it’s late and I’m tired and I’m reading others blogs about baby loss and rainbow babies and it’s just a lot to take in.  It’s still hard to remember sometimes that it actually happened to us, that Benny isn’t just asleep in the next room.

I remember once I had kids that I wasn’t able to read books about kids that got hurt or killed.  My sister would laugh at me, but something about it always just seemed too close to home.  If only I knew that I would be living it one day, that I would be the one writing about it, except it wouldn’t be fiction.

I feel as if I’m holding my breath again, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I was nervous about Parker taking Darcy some place alone, imagining the worst when they were just running some errands.  I don’t know why this started up again.  Perhaps I shouldn’t read about what other people have gone through, it lends itself to my imagination.  Driving has started to cause anxiety again out of nowhere.

I wonder if it is because some of the focus is off of Darcy.  She seems happier now, not as stressed out.  The night terrors have lessened as well as the emotional outbursts.  We’ve been so focused on her pain since February that there has been little time to even think about ours.

I don’t want to go back though, to feel that awful all of the time.  I mean, it was awful always being worried about Darcy, but that was something that I could work to help to change, I at least had some control.  I need someone to come in and control this, take over and just make it right.  It’s easier when the focus is on helping others rather than trying to help myself and deal with my own stuff.