1 Year ‘AA’

I cannot believe that I’m even writing these words. I cannot even begin to wrap my head or my heart around the fact that I have lived a year without my son. They are words that I wish on no one, yet over the year I have met far too many other grieving moms.

So, one year. There are so many things that I could write about here, but I want to write about Bennett. I want to share him. I want the world to know the amazing little man that stole my heart.

He was only 17 months. It’s hard to write the word ‘only’ when you consider how large his personality was. This kid was all Fletcher, he was social, outgoing, engaging, flirty, he just had a presence. Benny would walk into a room and it was hard not to be drawn him. He was so charming and charismatic, he was like a gravitational force. I often feared for the poor ladies once he was older. At Parker’s Open House last year he was walking around and shaking people’s hands. Perhaps he would have been a politician.

Every parent says that their child is smart, but Benny truly was. We tried signing with him because it had worked so well with Darcy. For whatever reason, he would have none of it, and started talking, a lot. At 17 months he was already saying mama, dada, i love you, wash, that, cat, dog, Packard, no, more, yes, milk, San, Darce, Evie, Huntah, auntie, truck, car, I can keep going. His language and ability to communicate completely amazed me. He was already beginning to potty train because he wanted to be like his big sister. His motor skills were unmatched too. He was climbing slides (or pretty much anything I suppose) and for a boy, had a great amount of luck at not getting hurt. He had incredible balance and perception of what he was capable of. If he thought that it was too big of a risk, he typically wouldn’t take it. He had self preservation, which is saying a lot for a boy!

Benny was pretty even tempered, but when he got mad, watch out! He would throw the biggest fits, throwing him self on the floor and banging his head. It was rare when it happened, but when it did, he would go full boar. It was probably one of the funniest things that I have ever seen. The week of the accident, the kids were in the bathroom with Parker brushing their teeth. Darcy pushed him out of the way and went to get onto the step stool and turned and bit her in the stomach-it drew blood. He wasn’t one to be pushed around.

He loved his sister. Besides the biting incident, the two of them got along like nothing I’ve ever witnessed in siblings before. I think it was because Darcy is so Type A and Benny was very go with the flow. He was also her comedian. Whenever they were together she was usually laughing at his antics. They were yin and yang. Darcy loved to have blankets on the floor, Benny quickly began laying on them and Darcy would pull him around the house, laughing at him. He was crazy. She spent so much of her time with him hysterically laughing and he would just keep performing. They were perfectly matched.

He loved cars and anything mechanical. I would pick Benny up from Sandy’s at the end of the day and we would head over to Parker’s shop to pick up Darcy. Well, of course he would have to get out and either run around with tools or get in the cars. He spent hours in that shop observing and was already grabbing the shifter, turning the wheel and looking for the keys. He would get angry when I tried to pull him away from the cars. He had a love like his fathers.

He was very musically inclined. He loved to go into the basement and play the drums. Before the accident, Parker had spent some time working with him on some beats that he actually picked up. He was drawn to our organ and any of the kid pianos that we had. Music and dance was his thing.

He was my love. At night, he would go into his room and grab his blanket and paci and climb up into the rocker to read books. He would settle in so quickly and was such a cuddler. I miss the feel of him in my arms at night and his breath on my chest in the morning.

I miss him everyday. It hurts so much to know that he’s gone, but it hurts worse to forget him. I’m sure that there are a million other great memories and I invite anyone to share. He was one incredible dude and I was so lucky to have him.

Author: sheriroaf

Sheri Roaf is the mother of four wonderful children who turned to blogging after her 17 month old son Bennett passed away unexpectedly. Through her writing she has found a way to help herself and her family move forward in the face of tragedy.

12 thoughts on “1 Year ‘AA’”

    1. I’m so sorry for your loss. We seem to be on each others blogs at the moment, your daughter is absolutely beautiful. It pains me that any of us have to go through this. I wish I had answers, but I’m no closer to understanding any of this than I was a year ago.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Sheri, Thank you for sharing your beautiful precious Benny with us. I wish I had gotten a chance to meet him. From all that you have told me, I feel like I do know him. You are doing a wonderful job of keeping his memory alive! No one will ever forget him.


  2. I will forever remember his crazy tantrums! His laugh when the big kids were running from the “monster” aka Bennett! Sleep overs at aunties house (in Evie’s girly pjs because payback happens!) His bouncing blonde curls! His love of cars! So many more memories…it’s still unreal that he’s gone, but we were so very blessed to have him in our lives.


  3. I love reading Benny memories…he was a cute little guy so full of life! My favorite are from the pool. He was a fish even at a young age. The best was his pink life jacket…of course he didn’t care. And it didn’t matter how cold the water was…the older kids would play tag on the hill and all Benny wanted to do was make his way towards the water. That kid had no fear!


  4. So many memories…. His beautiful blue eye full of mischief and delight. His crazy curls that were beautiful but made me crazy that I’d tie them up in a pony so they were out of his eyes. How he loved to have me blow on the back of his neck which tickled him And how he would squirm and laugh pull away but offer his neck for it to be done again and again. Oh, how he loved to eat – Just about anything especially meat! How he would run away from me hands clasped together behind his back in whatever direction he shouldn’t be going. How he would laugh and squeal as you would catch up to him , swoop him up and redirect him. Oh, how I miss that laugh. The day he joined Mike in his PT exercises against the wall “Up…..Down”. We all laughed and all the other kids in daycare joined in. When Mike came home from PT with tape on his legs and Benny thought they made great road or train tracks to push his cars and trains on his legs “Broom….broom”…Mike didn’t think it was such a great idea but he let him do it -“Easy…easy!” How he loved to sit with Mike have him read books and play with his watch pushing the button and lighting it up. How verbal he was – he had so many word for such a little guy. Time spent on the 3-day waiting to see Mom trying to keep him happy and occupied – these are all now treasured moments! And it makes me smile to just think of him…………


  5. The memories in your post and that have been posted by your friends and family are so incredibly sweet and just… real. Blowing on the back of his neck and how he giggled because it tickled him, that got to me. What a life, what a joy.


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