Today I should have been up early making a special breakfast for my newly aged 5 year old. I should have been wrapping presents that contained ‘boy stuff,’ (I must admit that I have no clue what 5 year old boys are into) and freaking out because 5 means school in the Fall and a whole new rite of passage.
Instead I dropped off the kids and set about cleaning and staging my home to go on the market tomorrow. A huge departure from where I expected to be on May 17th those 5 years ago when Benny was born.
In between freaking out over getting everything accomplished, I realized that I can’t even picture it. I can’t fathom a 5 year old Benny. It seems so old and he was so young when he died. This is the first time where I’ve really struggled with this. Darcy was barely 5 when he passed.
How has so much time passed? I’m amazed at how raw it all still feels after 3 and a half years. My days are busy, Fletch keeps me busy and Darcy is non stop talking, dancing, going. They make it better, but it still never truly goes away.
I’m amazed that we are even in a place where we would consider moving from this house. It might sound strange because of what happened here, but so many beautiful things have happened here too. This is the only home my children have known and we’ve lived here nearly 13 years.
So many changes as I look back over the last few years. So much has stayed the same though, mostly this constant ache to have back something that is no longer attainable.
So instead of celebrating a 5 year old, we will celebrate his memory. I’m amazed every year by how many lives he touched in his short time here. Happy Birthday Buddy. We love you lot’s and miss you always.