4 Years ‘AA’

I miss my son.  Sometimes so desperately that I feel like I can’t even breathe.  Other times it’s a dull ache.  I miss who he was and who I think he would become.  I miss who I was.  I miss our life from before November 8th.

We are officially 4 years after the accident now.  Four whole years.  I think back to the broken people that we were.  We are still not whole, I don’t anticipate that we ever will be.  We will live the rest of our lives ‘incomplete’.  We are learning to deal with that.

I was just reading my other ‘AA’ (after accident) blogs.  I’m amazed at how much my life has changed.  It gives me a glimpse into the shattered person that I was and how I have had to put myself back together.  It has been a slow process.  I don’t think that there will ever be a point where I will feel ‘healed’ or ‘better’.  It just is for now.

Every day a part of me is sad or anxious or both.  I’m terrified of what could happen.  I nag my children, constantly trying to keep them safe and close.  I snuggle the little ones a little too much, just wishing that they would stay small forever.  I worry constantly how Benny’s death will shape his older sister’s life.  I’m wistful for the naive life we lived before, where we couldn’t even imagine something bad happening.  I’m sad that I miss my son.

He would have gone to kindergarten this year.  He would have been 5!  If I concentrate really hard, I can almost see him heading off for his first day of school.  He would have been a big brother.  What I would give to see him and Fletcher playing together!  Maybe he would have played a sport or taken up drums, or furthered his interest in the cars.

Four years later and I still don’t have any answers.  I don’t know why this happened.  I don’t know how different my life would have been if it hadn’t.  I celebrate my mini victories and life milestones as they occur and try to take each day as it comes.  Grieving is hard work!  Choosing to find joy in each day is even harder.