Tag Archives: burial of child

6 Months ‘AA’

14 - 21

I don’t know what to say.  I’m unsure how we’ve made it this far, keeping busy I suppose.  I still cannot wrap my head around any of it and it’s been 6 months.  I mean, I was there, he was in my arms and I still cannot believe that it has happened.

I’m not sure if it’s better or worse having Darcy around.  She’s been having such a tough time since February, we’ve been so focused on her.  Kinda puts our grief on the back burner.  I wish I could just give into it, but I can’t because she needs me so much.  The most independent little girl needs me.  I’m not sure if it scares me or makes me feel better.

We buried Benny on the 8th, just Parker and I.  It was exactly 6 months since the accident and he was born on a Thursday, it seemed fitting.  I think we were worse off leading up to it.  I felt very at peace when we did it, he has his little headstone or ‘Benny statue’ as Darcy calls it. It says ‘Captain Crazy.’ It’s weird to see his name, to actually put his remains in the ground, but we did it. He had his ‘bop’ (his paci), his tick tick from Mike and a little car.  We sat on the running board of the Packard (of course Benny’s last ride was in style) and talked.  We talked about Benny, about his memorial on his birthday, and we talked to him.  We said good-bye.  It made it real for me, which has been hard.  I don’t want to visit my son in a cemetery.  It’s all just so unfair.

We brought Darcy there for Mother’s day.  She did good, liked the idea of decorating for Benny, bringing him flowers and toys.  We brought him a truck and a ball.  There was a mason jar there with Daisies and sunflowers.  I’m not sure if they were for Benny or his neighbor, but regardless it was fitting.  Another sign, but this time from my Mom, Benny and of course Mason.  Darcy wanted me to read to her the names of all Benny’s neighbors, or new ‘heaven friends’.  It kills me that a 5 year old has to even know about a baby cemetery.  Again, so unfair.

I barely survived my first Mother’s Day.  It’s already a tough day because mom is gone, but now Benny too.  How much can one person take?  When Darcy was born I was finally beginning to enjoy it again, but then started to miss mom unbearably.  I feel like so much had already been taken from me, why Benny too?  I don’t get it.

A switch flipped today.  I finally started crying again, really giving in.  It’s all too real and the numbness seems to be wearing off.  I cannot believe that he will would be 2 on Saturday.  He only had one birthday to celebrate.  It’s so unbearable to think about.  I want him back, I want to be planning his second birthday instead of a Memorial.  I hate this.  I hate this.  I hate this.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow we bury Benny.  It’s been 6 months since we said good-bye and I’m still not ready for this.  This act makes it real, forces me to face reality and really deal with the fact that the accident did happen.  It just doesn’t seem right.

It will just be Parker and I.  Darcy is too young to grasp the concept of cremation.  It will just be us to say good-bye, as it was just us to say hello when he was first born.

I didn’t think it was possible to hurt anymore.  I didn’t think it was possible to cry anymore.  I want him back.  I want to hold his hand in mine and walk along the wall at Darcy’s school.  I want to see him in my rearview mirror while driving.  I want to hold him close and read books at night.  I want to run my fingers through his curls and kiss his hair.  I want to rough house with him and hear that laugh, see that mischievous smile.  I want him back.

5 Months ‘AA’

0312131828How has it been 5 months? It feels as if time has stopped for us, yet I see the seasons progressing. How have other people gone on with their lives, grown older? It just doesn’t make sense.

I look at Parker and wonder how we got here. How on earth have we survived 5 months without Benny? Where do we go from here? So many questions and never any answers.

We’re going to bury him in a month, just Parker and me. I don’t know how I’m going to survive that day. It makes it real, like this actually did happen to us. It’s easy to go about every day just avoiding it. Much easier than actually dealing with it.

I try so hard to keep it together. I’m so scared to let go, to really feel all of it, I feel as if it will swallow me up. It kills me to answer Darcy’s questions. How do you explain to your child that you weren’t able to save their brother? You spend a lifetime telling them you love them and you won’t let anything happen to them. A lifetime of kissing boo boos and saying it will all be ok. At the end of the day I failed. I couldn’t save him. My own child died in my arms and there wasn’t a fucking thing that I could do to change that. How do I explain that to Darcy?

What I would give for a do over. I would love to just click ‘undo’ and have the chance to fix this. Fix my broken life, my broken heart. I feel as if everything has gotten small, my life has gotten small. I drive, but I don’t drive far, especially not alone. I don’t enjoy being outside, it’s almost an agoraphobic feeling. I have no interest in the warmer weather, could care less. I would be happy in 10′ of snow right now, it would cover it all up, cover up where the accident happened so I wouldn’t have to look at it everyday.

I want to fix Darcy’s broken heart. I want this to have never touched her. I want to hear her and Benny tearing around the house, their shrieks and laughter making it hard to think. God I miss it. He brought so much joy and craziness into our lives. I miss the chaos. I miss Darcy’s happiness. It has been the hardest thing to watch grief through her eyes. No child should ever have to go through this.

5 months. Usually the passage of time is a positive thing. Not here, not now. Every day that passes is another day longer that I haven’t seen his smile, or heard his laughter. Every day that passes I lose another part of my little guy. God this sucks.