Why?

This is a question that I will never stop asking. Why Benny? Why us? Haven’t I suffered enough? Didn’t I lose enough when my mom died? Why does Darcy have to go through this at such a young age? Why did this happen?

It is so frustrating. I am so angry and bitter and cannot help it. How is any of this fair?? I rarely ask these questions, but I’m in a mood tonight, so why?

He was so smart, god was he smart. I can’t even imagine what he would be up to today, what milestones he would be breezing through. He’d probably be potty trained, because he was already going on the toilet at 15 months old. His vocabulary would be unreal and he would be giving Darcy a run for her money.

I miss the laughter and the chaos. I miss Darcy as she would laugh hysterically over something ridiculous that Benny had done. I haven’t heard her laugh like that in so long. I miss trying to shower the two of them, it was like greased pigs. Benny loved spraying the shower nozzle in his face and laughing. He and Darcy were such a perfect match. I know that they were young yet, but they rarely fought, it was mostly Benny doing something crazy and Darcy laughing at him. I miss that so much!

I miss him grabbing his blanky and paci and bringing me a book to cuddle in the chair at night. For all his craziness, he was so happy to just curl up and snuggle before bed. He would smell of diapers and soap. I miss his beautiful blonde ringlets that would curl up after his shower at night. I miss bedtime.

I miss the chaos in our room in the morning. The two of them dragging toys and books all into our room. The damn cat piano that Benny would press over and over and bee bop to. We would lay in bed and do the wheels on the bus and itsy bitsy. It was such a joyful way to wake up in the morning.

Why is this all gone? What did we do to deserve this new life? Why did we lose Benny?