This post has been 10 years in the making, yet for some reason I have been holding on to it. Maybe I didn’t want to put it down in writing because that would make it real. But holding on to it isn’t going to change anything. So here we are.
I honestly didn’t know what to write about. A decade worth of missing seems like it should cover so many things. I’ve had few words on this topic since November 8th of 2023. Because I wasn’t sure what else there was to say.
10 years since I held you. 10 years since I’ve heard your voice. 10 years since I’ve smelled your toddler smell. 10 years since I have had to pull you off of something that you probably shouldn’t have been climbing on. 10 years of everything I have missed over and over and over again. 10 years of navigating how to live without you.
One of my secondary losses that I’ve been dealing with since Benny died is the inability to read a book. I used to love reading. Ever since I was a kid, my favorite thing to do was to tuck into a book and stay up late into the night because I was so involved with the characters and the story unfolding.
I miss that. I miss feeling safe enough to get lost in someone else’s story. I miss being able to not have to look ahead to make sure there are no triggers. In the last decade I can count on two hands how many books I have read. The ones that I was able to complete were because I had read them before. And if anybody reading this has lost a child and picks up Verity put it right back down! Big, big mistake.
So I happened upon a book, I’m not even really sure how at this point. But I started reading it in my Kindle. It’s title is ‘From people pleaser to soul Pleaser.’ It seemed safe enough because it wasn’t a novel. You can call it self help, you can call it whatever you want. I’ve found it insightful and it’s changed how I have viewed how I handle certain situations. It has also altered the narrative in my head.
I’m about halfway into the book and it talks a lot about how we view things. There is a whole section about blame and how we as humans think of things as happening to us instead of as just happening. It references how we view things that have happened in the past. And how instead of looking at those situations or maybe even people with frustration or anger, we meet them with love. And acceptance. And we willingly let go of anything we’ve been holding on to.
It’s almost like the book was written for somebody who is grieving. And maybe not the early stages of grief because nothing makes sense then. And I don’t know about this whole idea of acceptance because I’m not sure I will ever get there. But this book might be for somebody who is far enough out who can take a look at their situation in a different light.
Last night I got under the covers and got comfy after a few chapters. I thought about all the stuff I have been holding on to. And then I decided I was ready to let some of it go.
I sent love to people no longer in my life. And then I decided to send a little love to me. I reached out to myself on November 8th of 2013. I saw myself screaming in the street after Benny and I had just been hit. And I grabbed on tight. I held myself. I told myself that it was going to be okay. I told myself that there was still so much more love that was going to come into my life. I told myself that I am here for you. And I told myself it is not your fault.
I envisioned sitting with myself and rocking back and forth. Just being there. Just promising myself over and over that it was going to be okay. Because I know how scared I was in that moment. I know how much I wanted to give up in that moment. And I know what I needed in that moment.
So I gave it to myself. It may have been 10 years later, but I was able to do it. And then I laid there and I said the mantra in my head that I’ve been saying since I started this book:
You are love. You are light. You are human. You deserve compassion. You deserve acceptance.