April 2014 – Sunshine, Angels and Rainbows

I was out walking with my neighbor today and we were talking about mine and Parker’s relationship. She said to me that if anyone can pull through this, that Parker and I can. Our therapist said we were both in a similar family situation, that has forced us to become the people that we are today, and that we are not the type that fall apart in a crisis.

I knew that when I married Parker that I was getting an independent, motivated man that loved me unconditionally and would do anything for me. I never expected that we would be dealt the hand we got, I guess no one ever expects to loose their child. The statistics on divorce after child loss are extremely high. I get it, no two people grieve the same way. Some fall apart, some can hold it together, some just can’t deal with their spouses strength/weakness.

That first night, I saw the look on Parker’s face as reality began to set in, I will tell you I was terrified. I thought that I had lost my Parker too. I was thinking to myself that once again I would have to pick up the pieces of my family’s life and move us forward, alone. That didn’t happen though. I have not been alone one minute in my grief, Parker has stood beside me. He has loved me on the days when I wanted to lie around and do nothing and on the days when I’m neurotic and want to tackle everything in sight. My marriage has never been stronger and we have never been closer.

I took a lot of things for granted before the accident. I was a hard worker at DPM, a good mother at home, but there never seemed much time left for Parker. We were always busy, taken along by the demands of everyday life and the kids needs. Yet when I needed him he didn’t fall apart, he became my rock, which I am so unaccustomed to having in my life. Parker took over and took care of me. I don’t like to be out of control, but it felt good to not have to be on top of everything for once.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I think deep down I always knew it, but I have a good, solid, loving husband in mine and Darcy’s life. Could I have survived this without Parker? Perhaps, I’m a survivor, not a victim. I know that I wouldn’t feel this ok though. I wouldn’t be able to smile and love with my whole self if it wasn’t for that man. I’ve spent my whole life trying to survive and he came along and saved me. Thank you babe.

How has it been 5 months? It feels as if time has stopped for us, yet I see the seasons progressing. How have other people gone on with their lives, grown older? It just doesn’t make sense.

I look at Parker and wonder how we got here. How on earth have we survived 5 months without Benny? Where do we go from here? So many questions and never any answers.

We’re going to bury him in a month, just Parker and me. I don’t know how I’m going to survive that day. It makes it real, like this actually did happen to us. It’s easy to go about every day just avoiding it. Much easier than actually dealing with it.

I try so hard to keep it together. I’m so scared to let go, to really feel all of it, I feel as if it will swallow me up. It kills me to answer Darcy’s questions. How do you explain to your child that you weren’t able to save their brother? You spend a lifetime telling them you love them and you won’t let anything happen to them. A lifetime of kissing boo boos and saying it will all be ok. At the end of the day I failed. I couldn’t save him. My own child died in my arms and there wasn’t a fucking thing that I could do to change that. How do I explain that to Darcy?

What I would give for a do over. I would love to just click ‘undo’ and have the chance to fix this. Fix my broken life, my broken heart. I feel as if everything has gotten small, my life has gotten small. I drive, but I don’t drive far, especially not alone. I don’t enjoy being outside, it’s almost an agoraphobic feeling. I have no interest in the warmer weather, could care less. I would be happy in 10′ of snow right now, it would cover it all up, cover up where the accident happened so I wouldn’t have to look at it everyday.

I want to fix Darcy’s broken heart. I want this to have never touched her. I want to hear her and Benny tearing around the house, their shrieks and laughter making it hard to think. God I miss it. He brought so much joy and craziness into our lives. I miss the chaos. I miss Darcy’s happiness. It has been the hardest thing to watch grief through her eyes. No child should ever have to go through this.

5 months. Usually the passage of time is a positive thing. Not here, not now. Every day that passes is another day longer that I haven’t seen his smile, or heard his laughter. Every day that passes I lose another part of my little guy. God this sucks.

Month: April 2014

Rock

5 Months ‘AA’