Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

I feel it happening again.  Admittedly this time it took much longer for me to unravel.  I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not though?

I’m 5 weeks from welcoming another baby.  A little girl.  After everything, Darcy finally gets a sister.  Things feel completely incomplete (if that makes any sense?)

They’ve had me on Unisom for most of this pregnancy for sickness, so sleep has been a blessing.  Now as I’m nearing the end though, the insomnia is stronger than the pills and I find myself back to where I was when I was pregnant with Fletch.  Scared, sad, lonely, angry and just generally exhausted.  These rainbows really take a lot out of you.

The hormones probably don’t help either.  Or the screaming toddler or 8 year old with the attitude of a teenager. Sigh.  I thought this pregnancy would be easier, emotionally at least, because it was a girl. Well it’s hitting hard now.

It’s a reality smack of everything I’ve lost all over again.  It’s knowing that my mom isn’t here to help, which has been horrible with each pregnancy.  It’s knowing that Darcy gets to grow up with a sister, but Fletcher will never know his big brother.  They will never share that bond.

Maybe it’s because this is it for me.  I should be excited for that, I haven’t had easy pregnancies.  But it’s just another ending, another chapter of my life over and that makes me sad.

I cannot believe that she will be my fourth.  In a million years I never thought I would have so many children.  In a million years I never thought that I would lose one.

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