March 2014 – Sunshine, Angels and Rainbows

So Damn Lucky

“Everything’s different
My head in the clouds

I hit this corner
With my foot on the gas
I started sliding, I lose it
Everything’s different just like that

Oh my God, wait and see
What will soon become of me?
Frozen heart
Screaming wheels
Does that screaming come from me?
So damn lucky, when you went on ahead
You say, you say
I see you later
I heard what you said a few minutes later
I’m sliding
Everything’s different, again

Oh my God, wait and see
What will soon become of me?
This frozen heart
Screaming wheels
But does that screaming come from me?
I’m dizzy from all this spinning
Now I’m thinking that you did all you could

When you said my love
Take it slowly
Ok, is what I said
Oh my God, wait and see
What will soon become of me?
Frozen heart
Screaming wheels

But does that screaming come from me?
Take me back, just before I was spinning
Take me back, just before I got dizzy
Take me back, amazing what a minute can do
Just like you

So, so, so, so, up, around, around, around
Amazing what a minute can do
Around, around, around
Ok”

-DMB

Ironic title to the song considering the lyrics. Just seemed appropriate given the situation. Amazing what a minute can do…

Why?

This is a question that I will never stop asking. Why Benny? Why us? Haven’t I suffered enough? Didn’t I lose enough when my mom died? Why does Darcy have to go through this at such a young age? Why did this happen?

It is so frustrating. I am so angry and bitter and cannot help it. How is any of this fair?? I rarely ask these questions, but I’m in a mood tonight, so why?

He was so smart, god was he smart. I can’t even imagine what he would be up to today, what milestones he would be breezing through. He’d probably be potty trained, because he was already going on the toilet at 15 months old. His vocabulary would be unreal and he would be giving Darcy a run for her money.

I miss the laughter and the chaos. I miss Darcy as she would laugh hysterically over something ridiculous that Benny had done. I haven’t heard her laugh like that in so long. I miss trying to shower the two of them, it was like greased pigs. Benny loved spraying the shower nozzle in his face and laughing. He and Darcy were such a perfect match. I know that they were young yet, but they rarely fought, it was mostly Benny doing something crazy and Darcy laughing at him. I miss that so much!

I miss him grabbing his blanky and paci and bringing me a book to cuddle in the chair at night. For all his craziness, he was so happy to just curl up and snuggle before bed. He would smell of diapers and soap. I miss his beautiful blonde ringlets that would curl up after his shower at night. I miss bedtime.

I miss the chaos in our room in the morning. The two of them dragging toys and books all into our room. The damn cat piano that Benny would press over and over and bee bop to. We would lay in bed and do the wheels on the bus and itsy bitsy. It was such a joyful way to wake up in the morning.

Why is this all gone? What did we do to deserve this new life? Why did we lose Benny?

Pieces

When my mom died at 49 I was devastated. She was my best friend, we did everything together. I don’t think that many teenagers can say that about their moms.

We rarely fought and it was as if we were perfectly matched, ying and yang. I was more outspoken, funny and social than her, while she was my conscience, my guide and was always there to lend an ear or an opinion. She never stopped pushing me to do my best and I could because she believed in me. She was one of the strongest people I know, but a quiet strength that didn’t beg attention, but rather serenity.

When she was gone all that I ever wanted was more time with her. I needed her in my life so badly. I begged over and over to have her back. For years I was so angry that she was gone, that I almost missed the most amazing thing…she had come back, just in pieces.

I saw her in my sister Debbie, who tried so hard to take over where Mom left off. When Deb became a mother, she was my example, my teacher. She has made me into a better mother.

I found her in my best friend, who I needed so badly in my life. Tara is like my compass, my conscience and my sounding board all in one. I don’t know what we would do without her in our life.

Sandy became my kiddos missing grandmother. She and Mike loved my kids as their own. I’ve never been more grateful to another human being. Sandy has been my rock and always seems to know when I need her. She is always honest with me.

My other ladies have become a part of my family. Our lives were so empty until they came along. The strength, love and bond that we share will never end. I always know that we will be there to take care of one another.

My Aunt Dorothy is a piece of my mom. She has so many great memories to share with us. She’s a piece of my past and has worked so hard to keep my moms memory alive.

The biggest piece of her I found in my husband. He’s the ying to my yang, my perfect balance. He always pushes me to be a better person. I can tell Parker anything and he doesn’t judge. I couldn’t survive Benny’s loss without him.

So, I found her again. A little scattered and spread out, but it was her. I’m so lucky to have this in my life, even though it took me a good 10 years to see it.

When will I get Benny back? I’m holding out so much hope for this, to feel somewhat whole again. I wish I could connect the dots already and see how this works out. I need to believe in this to move forward.

‘You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.’

Driving

I hate driving. I’ve been doing it again begrudgingly for 2 weeks and I hate it. I hate cars and other drivers. I’m so scared there will be another accident. It all just feels so random and out of control.

I used to love driving, where I could be alone to think and plan. I enjoyed the anonymity of the surrounding vehicles. My commute to work would easily be 2 hours one way, including getting the kids to daycare. It was my quiet place to think, or completely zone out.

This is another thing that the accident has taken from me, another way in which its changed me. I hate the music on the radio. I hate driving alone, I always end up in tears. I hate the anxiety I have every time that I park the car. I feel like my world has gotten smaller and my options are limited. I used to be so independent, god I miss that. I miss ‘me.’

Questions

Today Darcy asked me about the accident. The first time that she asked came across as accusatory, she wanted to know if I was paying attention, if Benny was strapped in tightly.

She started off by asking how my mom died, and then why. I knew what was coming, so I braced myself. I tried to remember that she’s only 5 and not to tell her more than she’s asking for.

It started simple, ‘Mom, how did the accident happen?’. ‘We were outside of the car and it began to roll.’ ‘Oh, how did you get hurt?’ ‘The car hit us.’ ‘You should have been in the car.’ ‘We had just gotten home, we were getting out of the car.’ ‘Oh. How did the car hit you, I don’t understand?’ ‘My door was open and it hit us.’ ‘Where was Benny?’ (Insert the sound of my heart breaking, if there’s anything left) ‘In my arms.’ ‘How did you get hurt?’ ‘The car door knocked us on the ground.’ ‘Did you cry?’ ‘Yes’ ‘Did Benny cry?’ ‘No…he was gone.’ ‘Gone where?’ ‘To heaven baby.’ ‘Oh, I didn’t know it can happen that quickly.’ ‘Sometimes it does.’ ‘OK, I thought the car had runned you over. Maybe we should change the driveway, plant grass instead, that way if you fall, you won’t get hurt.’. Silence, don’t really know what to say to that. Of course I’m driving, so I can’t completely break down.

After a few minutes I said,’sometimes things happen that don’t make sense, like my mom getting sick or the accident. We’ll never know why it happened.’ ‘I think a spring in your car broke.’ ‘I think we live on a hill.’ ‘Oh, yeah.’. ‘Are you OK with what we talked about?’ ‘No, I’m not Mom.’ ‘Me either…’

4 Months ‘AA’

‘Life has some nerve going on like nothing happened, doesn’t it?’

Darcy shouldn’t be growing older. Parker shouldn’t be back at work. Time is supposed to stand still. My life has, how is it that other people can still go about their daily activities?

It’s truly frustrating. I try very hard to put on this mask and pretend that all is OK. I’m pushing myself to do things that I’m just not ready for to prove that I’m OK. Maybe that’s the problem, I’m not OK. I don’t want to go to your child’s birthday party when my son doesn’t get to grow older. I don’t want to drive a car because I miss him being in it with me. It all feels like moving on and frankly, I don’t want to.

I ache to move backwards. My arms ache to hold my son. My lips ache to smile, and laugh, really laugh because something is funny, not to make someone feel comfortable.

I fucking hate this. I hate that 4 months have gone by and every day we creep closer to his birthday in May. I hate that people have disappeared, how easily they have seemed to move on. I hate feeling stuck. I’m trying so hard, but I really don’t want to anymore. I’m so tired of being OK.

2:00 AM

I’ve always been a night owl. For some reason I was always more productive after 9 PM, usually in bed by midnight. Now I see 2 AM most nights. I’m exhausted and would love to shut my eyes and my brain, but I can’t.

I read endless books, troll the internet or just lay there. I wish I could be one of those people that sleep through their grief, just lie there and soak it all up. It would be a much needed break from this new reality. I just want to close my eyes, close it all out and enjoy the blackness and the silence.

Instead I get out of bed and check on Darcy. I need to just be sure of her, see the rise and fall of her chest, surround myself in her. I need to know that she’s OK and that she’s still mine. I will never trust in her future, or any of ours. It changes too quickly.

I write to no one, which helps. I still can’t seem to make sense out of this. I’m hoping that by writing I’m able to release some of the madness that has taken up residence in my psyche.

The irony is that Benny slept through the night at 6 weeks old. Here I am still awake, exhausted, without my baby.

“I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep, standing on the edge of something much to deep. It’s funny how we feel so much, but cannot say a word, we’re screaming inside but can’t be heard.”. Sarah McLachlan

Signs

I love the signs. They are everywhere if you’re open to them. I picked up a book about a girl who lost her mom to breast cancer. There’s a brother character named Bennett.

I’ve been feeling super guilty lately. Have I been grieving enough? Do I think about Benny enough? Have I been a good mom to Darcy today, a good wife to Parker? I’m trying so hard to be everything that my family needs, and pay bills, and fight insurance and do laundry, dishes and renovate the house. I’m in the present, in survival mode. Feeling like the worst mother because I’m not missing my son enough. I can’t hold it together and miss him though.

My friend Mac called to chat. I was telling him that Darcy was having a tough time and he can relate because his kids lost their mother. He told me that he just had to keep moving forward for the kids, be in the moment. It took him a few years for it to really hit him. He told me not to feel guilty and just keep doing what I’m doing, that I’m a good mom. He said he had a feeling that he needed to call me, that I needed to talk.

I don’t know how he knew what I was feeling, I hadn’t even said the words aloud to Parker. It’s funny how the Universe has it’s way, although, I’m sure there was a little help from a beautiful curly headed blue eyed boy and his grandma. My god, I miss you Benny.

Flexible

Am I grieving enough? Am I truly feeling Benny’s loss every moment of every day? I feel like people have these expectations about how I’m supposed to act or feel. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to act or feel!

I don’t know if I’m actually dealing with this or I’m still numb. Am I looking at Parker’s anguish and Darcy’s outbursts and once again deciding that I have to be the strength that this family needs to keep it together? God, it gets truly exhausting. I’m terrified that if I start to fall apart, I will not be able to stop. It will be like the first 48 hours all over again, where I just sat and cried, over and over again. I will loose myself to the pain and never find my way back out again. It was easier then because I was physically broken too. I reveled in the pain because it was something that I could accept and feel.

I’ve jumped into house projects with a vengeance. The laundry is all done and put away and the sink is empty of dishes. Dinner is on the table every night. Everything in the house is in order. I’m keeping busy, it’s what I’m supposed to do, right? I need a rule book for this!!

Am I overthinking all of this? I don’t cry every day, am I supposed to? I don’t think about Benny all day long, am I supposed to? I still cannot even wrap my head around what happened, and I was there! I’m numb to the accident and it’s aftermath. I feel as if I’ve lost a leg and I’m just doing my best every day to learn to walk again.

I remember at work they always used to say that I was ‘flexible’. Am I also flexible about my sons death? I hate this. I hate questioning my mind and wondering if I’m losing it. I hate the fact that I have to make the best of EVERYTHING. God, I wish that I could just give in and wallow a bit…