February 2017 – Sunshine, Angels and Rainbows

Reality TV

In the Fall I posted about the show This is Us. I was amazed by how much they touched on grief in the first episode. While the show jumps around throughout the span of the triplets life, you see glimpses of how the family has moved forward.

I have to be honest, I was hoping for so much more. In the first few episodes they touch on the baby’s death. The family cries, the mom has a hard time bonding with the new adopted son and then life goes on. I haven’t heard about it since.

No one has mentioned the baby. There has been no mention of if the baby is buried somewhere or if it even has a name (which I assume it doesn’t because they were going to use it’s name for Randall). Birthdays go by and they talk about ‘the big 3’ but there’s never a mention of the fact that on that day they also lost a child.

The episode where Randall eats shrooms and feels like a replacement for the baby that passed makes sense. How would he not feel that way? I know it was a different time and people weren’t expected to grieve like they are given the space to today. I get that. I still expected more.

How does mom not look at those 3 kids every day and not see one missing? How does she not feel that inside? We’ve never seen that. Maybe it’s coming and I should just wait, because the show jumps around. I’m frustrated. Even in present day, no one talks about the baby. Why?

And Just Like That…

Parker messed up royally. Why is it when we give them a little praise that they feel like it’s a free pass? No I did not write that last blog to give him the freedom to make poor choices.

It sounds like I’m talking about one of my children, ‘make better choices…’. Sigh.

Things in his life were out of control last summer. We talked about it and I told him he needs to change. I would be there to support him, but he had to put in the work. As much as I like to be in control, I hold no illusions that his issues are his issues. I cannot fix them for him, nor can I take them on. All that I can do is support him. And decide how much I am willing to invite into my life.

I said in the last post that there are days when yes, I question him and us. This is one of those days, this is what it looks like. I will not hide it or pretend things are OK when they are not. This is marriage. And I’m not ashamed at all to show just how imperfect it is after child loss.

He has his demons and I have mine. I have learned over the last few years though, that I cannot take on his demons or his failures. I can just hopefully help him through them.

It’s hard when you know just how short life is. It makes you really question what works and what doesn’t and puts things into pretty clear perspective. God, adulting is hard!

I Won’t Give Up On Us

We were listening to some lullaby music on Pandora tonight and this song came on. I love these lyrics and this song and how meaningful they are.

Over three years ago Parker and I stood together teriffied at what had just happened. We were not prepared for what lay ahead. Nothing prepares you for child loss.

Our therapist said that we were a good match because we both had pretty tough childhoods. We were already survivors in our right. Maybe that instinct just kicked back in.

We were friends first, for a long time before we dated. We’ve always been very comfortable with one another. Maybe that made it easier. We didn’t feel like we had to be brave for each other. We could just be.

We’re alike in a lot of ways, but so different. I’m more aggressive with things that I want, I’m strict with the kids and I like feeling in control. Parker is more laid back with most things. He can change plans on a whim and time means nothing to him. There are times when I wonder how we DO work. But his strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say there were many times that I wanted to give in. I think that’s pretty normal in any marriage. I’m sure there will be many more in the future. I just look at how far we’ve come in the last 3 years. He knows my pain better than anyone else. He has fought alongside me to make this marriage work. He has loved me when I didn’t know if I could love myself.

There are no guarantees for the future, we know this only too well. I just know that I will continue to fight for us. We are far from perfect, but damn we’re good!