Courage

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The Bears from my Childhood

All of this ‘Berenstein’ vs. ‘Berenstain’ Bears nonesense has me thinking.  I distinctly remember ‘stein,’ but have talked to other folks that remember ‘stain.’  I don’t get it, I really don’t and I’ve been reading articles most of the evening trying to wrap my head around it all.

I was reading one article aloud to Parker that talked about a parallel universe existing or several, where there were other ‘me’s’ that make different decisions.  I looked at Parker and said maybe Benny’s alive in another universe.  Maybe I brought him into the house like I was going to and then tried to take the key out of the car.  Maybe we never went out that day.  Maybe we never bought our house, but one with a flat driveway.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.

It really got me thinking though, maybe there was no Benny in another universe because I never went to Wentworth and I never met Parker.  Maybe my mom didn’t die of breast cancer and I ended up going to school in Virginia as planned.  It’s amazing how much one little decision can affect the course of your life.  I have no answers for the Berenstein debate.  I do not understand how something that I swear to be true isn’t.  There’s so many things about this life that I simply do not understand.  Maybe there isn’t an answer, it’s not black and white.

Back in May, right before Mother’s Day, I went on my second grieving mother’s retreat.  It was much easier the second time around because I knew so many of the mom’s from last year and my support group in Worcester.  I wasn’t as anxious going into it.  It was an amazing day of relaxation, yoga and being amongst friends.  At the close of the day, we sat down with Peggy Huddleston, who authored the book ‘Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster’ where she talks about the mind/body connection and illness/injury.  She also lost her son and was working with us to get into a relaxed state so that we could communicate with our loved ones.

I was a little dubious.  I still couldn’t explain my experience with Maureen Hancock and I certainly wasn’t a medium.  I had a hard time relaxing the first time that we did it.  It was almost like being hypnotized, it’s hard to explain.  I’ve always been a mind over matter type of person, especially when it comes to pain, but I was distracted by the person sitting next to me shifting around in their seat.  I was seeing flashes, Benny’s face, but I wasn’t sure if I was seeing them because I wanted to or because something else was going on.  We went around the room and shared what we saw and Peggy led us through the relaxation again and told us to ask our loved ones a question.

I panicked, I had no question for Bennett.  I didn’t want to ask him if he blamed me, I wasn’t ready for that.  I thought about it and figured I would just ask if he was with my mom.  I’ve received so many signs from Bennett and so few from my mom over the years.  I wanted to know where she was.

As Peggy put us under the second time I was really able to relax.  At first I saw Benny’s face in my memory, but not Benny at 18 months, but an older Benny, a 3 year old Benny (which he would have been at the time).  I’d never really imagined him as older, I wouldn’t let myself, it hurt too much.  For whatever reason, this is what I saw.  It was like looking at a movie with no sound.  I asked him if he was with my mom and the picture changed to when he used to play her organ and shake his curls like Jerry Lee Lewis.  I wasn’t sure if he was telling me no, or what.  The picture shifted again and all of a sudden I was watching him walking.  Then the picture zoomed out and he was holding a yellow balloon in one hand and my moms hand in the other.  Clear as day, they were walking away from me.

I wasn’t sure if I saw what I wanted to or I was actually able to communicate.  Peggy said not to question it, but logical me figured it was too good to be true.

A week later, my friend/neighbor Angela was chasing down WXLO to try to get tickets for their Mother’s Day brunch.  At the last minute she was able to win some tickets for myself and another mother who had lost her teenage son exactly a year ago on that day.  The brunch was at Uno’s in Millbury and the morning show was broadcasting live.  They had a medium there and a nice little spread of food.  I had no idea what to expect, as Angela had just messaged us the night before to let us know that she got tickets.

I’ve been warned by friends to be suspicious of mediums.  My experience with Maureen Hancock was amazing, but I had taken every precaution so that she wouldn’t know my name.  This time, we got the tickets the night before and they were in Angela’s name.  There was no way that they had my information.

The medium started with a family behind us and honestly, I felt that I had my closure.  I had what I wanted from Maureen and I was silently hoping that Angela’s friend Heather’s son would come through for her.

As the medium was walking around she said that she was getting a Margaret name.  When no one spoke up I said that Margaret was my mom’s middle name.  She asked me if her name began with a J, guessing Jane and I corrected her with Joan.  She said that the she was sitting in the empty seat next to me.  She asked me if there were 3 kids in my family growing up to which I said yes.  Then she asked about the baby.  I asked her which one, and she said that my mom welcomed the baby and was with him.  She said he was in very good hands.  She asked me if my grandmothers name was Anna, to which I said yes.  My mom said she is with my kids and that my daughter has family blood (she’s a spitting image of me and my mom).  She said that I’m very close with my mom’s sister (Aunt Dorothy) but that she’s very different from my mom.  She asked me if my mom was sick to which I said yes.  She said that my mom was the center person in our family and after she died that I took on that role.  She said that my dad never recovered and deserves a ‘swift kick’ for falling apart on us.

I’m sure there was more, but my mind was blown.  Even if the medium had my name prior to the event, there’s no way that she could have come up with that information.  My mom died in 1996, none of this showed up on a google search with my name.  She knew my grandmother’s name.  I have no explanation.  A week prior I was asking her and Benny if they were together and why I never get signs from her and instantly I have answers.  I got validation.

After the readings were all over, they pulled a name from a hat for someone else in the room.  I was hoping that they would pick my name so that I could give a reading to Heather.  I was sitting there in my head saying please Benny and mom over and over.  So they picked my name.  And Heather got her reading.

I can’t make this stuff up.  I can’t even begin to understand most of it.  I don’t have an answer.  Maybe it’s ‘stain’ maybe it’s ‘stein.’  I don’t know.  I’m thankful that those damn bears got me to finally write this post that I’ve been holding on to since May.  Believe it, or not, it happened.  I can’t explain it, it just is.  It just keeps happening, he keeps sending me signs and giving me exactly what I need.  God I miss him.

A Little bit of Sunshine

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Of course sunflowers showed up in the garden.  Darcy told me today thar Benny must have planted the sunflowers when we weren’t looking.  The second picture is onw of our pumpkins.  It attached itself to a tree and is growing dangling over our fence.  It’s bigger than a softball.  When I found it today I was chatting with my neighbor Fran and her daughter Tara.  Tara reminded me about the pumpkin at the cemetery.  It was put there in October and we found it in the Spring, still intact.  Funny thing is, we haven’t found a good place to go pumpkin picking since Benny passed.  He knows best I suppose.