Last night I was halfway asleep, feeling the little guy kicking away inside enjoying his own dance party. I almost always sleep with my hand on my belly because it’s so comforting to me to feel him.

I started to cry. All of a sudden I was really sad. All of this looking forward was a great distraction, but it doesn’t change anything, Benny is still gone. I cried to Parker that Benny was dead and there wasn’t a damn thing that we could do about it.

He’ll never get to be a big brother, this baby will not know his smile or his laugh. He will have missed out on his big brother. It’s really sad. He’s going to be a part of a grieving family, but not part of the grieving himself.

I often worry about the ‘before’ and ‘after’ situation that we will have. Darcy was so lucky to have Benny in her life. She had a companion at a young age, a little person to boss around. She also knows loss like no little child should. She has witnessed our grief and how it has changed us as parents and partners. This will be hers to carry forever. She knows how fragile life is and that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

This baby is a blank slate. He knows nothing of our grief and what he’s missed out on. He didn’t have to go through losing Benny. He will never know Benny. He will never know any of us without our grief that we carry with us. He will only know the new version of our family.

We’ll always be divided by this. I’ll forever feel like my children will be getting different versions of me. I wish there was a guidebook on how to parent after loss. How can I not look at these two children so differently?


Someone close to us actually tried to explain away my miscarriage in the Fall.  I got the whole, ‘oh it happened for a reason, and if it didn’t, you wouldn’t have this baby,’blah blah blah.  I probably could have been a little more rational if this happened before Benny, but I honestly wanted to cause this person bodily harm when they said what they said.  I ‘uh huh’-ed them and moved on.

This really bothers me, because a baby is a baby and hope is hope.  If anyone ever says this about Benny, that we wouldn’t have this new baby if it weren’t for his death, they probably will be hurt.  One life cannot replace another.  We didn’t ever consider having another child to try to ‘make up’ for Benny’s loss.  If anything, his loss makes this whole thing that much harder.

Parker and I talk constantly about the what if’s.  What if he looks like Benny?  What if he acts like Benny?  Will he be as smart as Benny?  What will our relationship be with him?  Will we put him in Benny’s clothes (probably not), so what will we do with those clothes now?  Do we try to put the baby in his old room?  Does Darcy really understand any of this?  Do we want her to?  What stuff is off limits here?

There are no right answers.  I’m constantly burdened by what is the right thing to do for our family.  I’m sure that there will be plenty of judgment (there has been already).  As excited as I am, I’m scared of all of it.  I don’t know what the right choices are.

More Hope – Last October

So Tuesday was bad. I got my numbers back and they were low for HCG. I panicked. They asked me what number pregnancy, when I said 4 I wanted to cry. 4 pregnancies and only 1 child living.

I called again this morning and my numbers more than doubled. I’ve been having some pretty strong symptoms too, so I’m hopeful. I’ll go weekly until they can do a dating ultrasound. I’m praying this works. Things look good, so I’m staying positive.