We’ve been super busy. New baby, moving, new business, stick a fork in me. I’m just trying desperately to keep my head above water.
So feeding the little lady today I was on Facebook scrolling along. Then I saw it. The picture of the little boy Benny’s age with his big smile and first day of Kindergarten sign. I completely missed that yesterday I should have been dropping off two children to their first day of school.
How has that much time passed already? I remember thinking I wouldn’t make it through the day and now here we are nearly 4 years later. Two more kiddos. Darcy in fourth grade. Life just moving along.
Another milestone over. And I didn’t even realize it. Sigh. This doesn’t get any easier. Just different.
After much angst and waiting, Perry Jane finally made her way into the world on 8/11. Just another sign. Benny passed on 11/8. Also a Friday. At about the same time she was born. It feels like life is trying to give back sometimes.
I am amazed every time at the heart’s capacity to grow to love another child so instantly. I am so head over heels for this little lady.
She is the opposite of Fletch. She exudes peace and calm. There is so much tranquility wrapped up in her little body. Will she stay like this forever? Probably not. I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.
I keep telling Parker that we have one that looks like Benny and now we have one that has his personality. She reminds me so much of how Benny was as a baby. He didn’t cry for 6 months, just made noises to let you know he needed something. There was this amazing calmness about him. He was the complete opposite of me and I loved it.
Another baby loss mama said to me once that I would get to enjoy this child. That I needed Fletch, but that I would get to enjoy Perry. There’s probably some truth to that, even though I hate to admit it. Maybe it was because I was so busy this pregnancy, but I wasn’t as terrified. I didn’t feel like I was waiting for something to go wrong as much as I did with Fletch. I didn’t have as much anxiety.
That’s not to say that the next 18 months won’t teriffy me. I’m sure it will be the same roller coaster that we were on with Fletch as we wait to pass the imaginary line when she will be older than her big brother.
He will always be a part of them. I will likely spend the rest of my life looking for pieces of him in them. It’s how he will live on for me. It’s awful and amazing all at once.
Here we go again. Hoping and trusting in the Universe. Looking forward with open hearts while we remember the past. Just doing our best.
This was not planned. The car happened to be back in the shop and Parker and I looked at each other and both saw ‘the Benny photo’. Life is funny sometimes. Round and round we go.