September 2020 – Sunshine, Angels and Rainbows

Man, this one resonated with me. Sometimes relationships end. And it’s really freaking hard.

‘Listen, sometimes friendships break.

They just do. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you it means you’re normal. Every single one of us has been there. Friendship is hard and complex and it doesn’t always turn out like we wish it would.

Sometimes friendships fall apart and you’re not even sure why. Sometimes you do everything know to do and it’s not enough.
Sometimes you have a fight and you try to pick up the pieces, but it feels like you don’t have the tools to glue the broken edges together again. It hurts and you wish you did, but you just don’t.
Sometimes you both carry wounds from childhood and it makes communication hard or impossible.

Sometimes you can’t get healthy without moving on.

Sometimes you grow apart. You can’t put your finger on it, it just happens, slowly and suddenly, you wake up and you’re different people. You wish you could stay, but you know you have to go. Your paths have split and you can’t travel the same road anymore.

Sometimes things stay broken when they should be fixed. It’s no one’s fault it’s just the truth of it. The truth of it is that things don’t always turn out with happy endings.

Sometimes you hurt someone deeply and even the most heartfelt apology doesn’t make it the same again.

Sometimes people hurt you. They say the wrong thing and they do the wrong thing and it hurts.

Sometimes friends walk away when they should have stayed.

Sometimes you walk away when you should have stayed. You should have stayed and fought harder. You know that now, but you can’t go back.

Sometimes friends betray you. You trust them with your whole heart and it turns out they didn’t deserve it.

Sometimes you can’t do everything anymore. You can’t pull your weight and their weight, you need it to be a two way street.
I don’t have all the answers, I’ve been in every one of these stories. All I know is we have to begin again. We have to open our hearts and risk again. There’s no guarantee we won’t be hurt or disappointed. There’s no guarantee we won’t eventually grow apart.

Friendship includes struggle, we don’t like to talk about that, but it’s true. It’s impossible to risk in relationships and come out the other side unscathed. Sometimes friendships break. It’s painful and it’s hard.

All I know is life is for living with people.

All I know is that friendship is the most sacred of treasures and it’s worth picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off, and fighting for it with all of our hearts.’

Written by Jess Johnston

Follow @sisteriamwithyou. for more.

I’m beginning to see the smiling faces of all of my friends kids on social media, all gussied up for the first day of school…or remote learning…or homeschool. With everything going on over the last 6 months, I had forgotten.

No I didn’t forget Benny had died, the rainbows and I drove by the cemetery the other day blowing kisses and saying a hello. I had forgotten that yet another school year has begun. Another milestone has been missed. Another memory will never be.

This is a messed up year in a lot of ways and maybe that’s why it didn’t occur to me until I saw a child Benny’s age. They were all dressed up and smiling for their first day of 3rd grade. I cannot believe that he should be starting starting 3rd grade. I cannot believe that it has been that long.

I just had to sit and do the math over and over, because it’s hard for me to rationalize in my mind that he should be 8 years old right now. While this year has provided me with time with my living children, it has kept me so busy that I feel I have neglected time with my dead child. Time in general in 2020 seems to be an abstract concept.

So I’m sitting here, with really tired eyes because it’s been another busy day. And my head is spinning as our new school year is right around the corner. And I just needed to make some space. I needed to take a moment and wrap my head around the picture that I should be taking of my crazy 8 year old guy as he starts whatever version of school we would have chosen, without the guise of loss hanging overhead.

I can almost see the smile with those dimples. I can almost hear him and Darcy rough housing and bickering like my rainbows do. I can imagine that he would be a mess before I even had a chance to take a picture. Because he was always into something. I can almost feel the hug that I have been dying to give him since 2013 when this whole disaster started.

Another school year, another landmark missed. That’s the thing with grief, you don’t just lose somebody all at once, but rather in pieces, over time. My god, I miss you buddy.

Month: September 2020

Sometimes Friendships

Those Back to School Photos