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Sometimes

Sometimes you find yourself amongst friends where selfies don’t happen and phones are lost. Time ceases to exist. You are in the moment and you are happy.

Sometimes you laugh so hard your face hurts. You feel so connected your soul is at peace. You cry over shared pain.

Sometimes the stories are outrageous and the memories are even crazier. The ability to come together after so much time apart and just pick up where we left off is uncanny.

Sometimes doesn’t happen often for me, but it does with my ladies. Thirteen years ago we were all strangers. Now there’s nothing that we wouldn’t do for each other. We come from all walks of life and our age difference spans 30+ years.

I am a little happier and more at peace than I have been in so long. Just because I was able to spend some time with them tonight.

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Double Rainbow

After much angst and waiting, Perry Jane finally made her way into the world on 8/11.  Just another sign.  Benny passed on 11/8.  Also a Friday.  At about the same time she was born.  It feels like life is trying to give back sometimes.

I am amazed every time at the heart’s capacity to grow to love another child so instantly.  I am so head over heels for this little lady.

She is the opposite of Fletch.  She exudes peace and calm.  There is so much tranquility wrapped up in her little body.  Will she stay like this forever?  Probably not.  I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.

I keep telling Parker that we have one that looks like Benny and now we have one that has his personality.  She reminds me so much of how Benny was as a baby.  He didn’t cry for 6 months, just made noises to let you know he needed something.  There was this amazing calmness about him.  He was the complete opposite of me and I loved it.

Another baby loss mama said to me once that I would get to enjoy this child.  That I needed Fletch, but that I would get to enjoy Perry.  There’s probably some truth to that, even though I hate to admit it.  Maybe it was because I was so busy this pregnancy, but I wasn’t as terrified.  I didn’t feel like I was waiting for something to go wrong as much as I did with Fletch.  I didn’t have as much anxiety.

That’s not to say that the next 18 months won’t teriffy me.  I’m sure it will be the same roller coaster that we were on with Fletch as we wait to pass the imaginary line when she will be older than her big brother.

He will always be a part of them.  I will likely spend the rest of my life looking for pieces of him in them.  It’s how he will live on for me.  It’s awful and amazing all at once.

Here we go again.  Hoping and trusting in the Universe.  Looking forward with open hearts while we remember the past.  Just doing our best.

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Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

I feel it happening again.  Admittedly this time it took much longer for me to unravel.  I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not though?

I’m 5 weeks from welcoming another baby.  A little girl.  After everything, Darcy finally gets a sister.  Things feel completely incomplete (if that makes any sense?)

They’ve had me on Unisom for most of this pregnancy for sickness, so sleep has been a blessing.  Now as I’m nearing the end though, the insomnia is stronger than the pills and I find myself back to where I was when I was pregnant with Fletch.  Scared, sad, lonely, angry and just generally exhausted.  These rainbows really take a lot out of you.

The hormones probably don’t help either.  Or the screaming toddler or 8 year old with the attitude of a teenager. Sigh.  I thought this pregnancy would be easier, emotionally at least, because it was a girl. Well it’s hitting hard now.

It’s a reality smack of everything I’ve lost all over again.  It’s knowing that my mom isn’t here to help, which has been horrible with each pregnancy.  It’s knowing that Darcy gets to grow up with a sister, but Fletcher will never know his big brother.  They will never share that bond.

Maybe it’s because this is it for me.  I should be excited for that, I haven’t had easy pregnancies.  But it’s just another ending, another chapter of my life over and that makes me sad.

I cannot believe that she will be my fourth.  In a million years I never thought I would have so many children.  In a million years I never thought that I would lose one.