Category Archives: Uncategorized

Sometimes

Sometimes you find yourself amongst friends where selfies don’t happen and phones are lost. Time ceases to exist. You are in the moment and you are happy.

Sometimes you laugh so hard your face hurts. You feel so connected your soul is at peace. You cry over shared pain.

Sometimes the stories are outrageous and the memories are even crazier. The ability to come together after so much time apart and just pick up where we left off is uncanny.

Sometimes doesn’t happen often for me, but it does with my ladies. Thirteen years ago we were all strangers. Now there’s nothing that we wouldn’t do for each other. We come from all walks of life and our age difference spans 30+ years.

I am a little happier and more at peace than I have been in so long. Just because I was able to spend some time with them tonight.

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Lost

Lost Boys

The first time I heard this song I loved it.  Then I listened to the lyrics.  Perfect description of what it felt like when I met that first bereaved mom at the hospital in our nurse, or when we did yoga for the first time with the other bereaved mom, or met with our support group of bereaved moms, or connected with other bereaved moms online.  I was lost, but all of you helped me to believe again.  This community of broken hearts is my family.


He sprinkled me in pixie dust and told me to believe, believe in him and believe in me.  Together we will fly away in a cloud of green, to your beautiful destiny.  As we soared above the town that never loved me, I realized I finally had a family.

 

The Struggle

Parker told me the other day that he’s struggling.  He’s scared that something will happen to Fletcher.

Given what we’ve been through, I feel like this is pretty normal.  Fletch looks so much like Benny and he’s only 7 months shy of Benny’s age when he passed.  He’s getting around now, he’s more interactive and playful.  We’re heading into the toddler stage.

I told Parker that I think this is going to get worse before it gets better.  Maybe once he’s 18 months we can sigh with relief.  Maybe not.  I don’t know what to expect.

We panicked in the morning when he slept through the night.  Both of us having awful thoughts that something terrible had happened.  I didn’t say anything until Parker brought it up.  I’ve been terriffied since Fletch was born that something would happen.  I remember feeling this way when Darcy was born too.  Difference is now I know it’s not necessarily irrational.

I can’t ever imagine going through that again and surviving it.  I’m not quite sure how we did the first time.  It’s one thing to be scared of something happening and a whole other to know what it actually feels like.  I’m not immune.  There are no promises.

As much as Fletch makes me crazy, I am so deeply in love.  That’s scary, to allow myself to become that attached again.  To hope that I get to keep him.  To bring hope and joy back into our lives.  But that’s what keeps us going, is that hope.CAM01907

 

Stupid Things I’ve Said

I am probably one of the least PC people out there.  Often what is in my head comes out of my mouth and then I feel guilty later.  It’s a blessing and a curse.

I’ve said some really dumb things.  When I look back at things that seemed innocuous before, they are terrible through this new lense that I view my life.  Please don’t judge, because I didn’t know.  Please also realize, I’m not looking for people to try to walk on eggshells around me.  That would defeat the purpose.  It takes a lot to offend me and honestly, it’s just words.  Sticks and stones and all that.

This list is for me.  It’s my realization that words and phrases have a deeper meaning and that even my vocabulary has changed in grief.

‘Everything happens for a reason’ or ‘it was meant to be.’  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if someone can tell me the reason that Benny had to die, I’m all ears.  It’s something we say.  I’ve said it plenty of times in my life.  It’s harder from this side of things to not hate that phrase.

‘Second child syndrome-we didn’t kill the first!’  Said in refernce to the paci that drops and you dust off and pop back into the baby’s mouth.  Massive face palm on this one.  Hate my past self-ALOT.  The cavalier way that I could joke about the existance of one of my children.  This was because I lived in the bubble of ‘it will never happen to me.’

‘I deserve…’ fill in the blank.  I could go on and on with this one (which I already have), so I’ll spare you.  Here’s what I’ve learned, life doesn’t owe you anything, good or bad.  Period.  The children and teachers in Newtown didn’t deserve to die any more than you deserve a promotion at work.  I’d like to think that you get back what you put out there, but even that one’s a stretch for me.  What did I put out there for Benny to die?

‘Everything will be ok.’  I learned this one was a big no no when my niece was born premature at 26 weeks.  In my reading of what to do, everything said not to use this term.  It really made me think, why do we say this?  I don’t have a crystal ball, I don’t know if it’s all going to work out.  I shouldn’t be making promises I can’t keep.

‘What doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger’ or ‘Life won’t give you what you can’t handle.’  I don’t even know where to begin with this one.  I could have died just like my son.  Sorry to be graphic, but it’s true.  Maybe I’m taking this one a little too literally.  Maybe I don’t want to be stronger.  Maybe I don’t want to handle it.  Maybe I just wish none of it ever happened.

‘Time heals all wounds.’  False.  Time can make grief bearable, but it never truly goes away.  There will never be a day where I won’t miss my son or my mom.  Time almost makes it worse, because it takes me farther away from when they were in my life.  It fades my memories.  It takes away as much as it gives.

‘Only the good die young.’  This one has made me crazy ever since my mom died.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Billy Joel and grew up on Long Island.  My beef is not with the song.  How did I ever utter these words?  What do they even mean?

‘Life isn’t fair.’  Ok, so I use this one with my daughter still.  I don’t know why though!  She doesn’t need a reminder.  She lost her brother when she was four.  I need to let this one go.

‘They are in a better place.’  I get a double face palm for this one.  How on Earth did I ever say this?  I’d like to think they are, but in all honesty, I don’t know for sure.  How does this statement help someone that is suffering a loss?  They would much rather still have that person alive and in their lives.

I’m sure there are more, but this is my list.  I’m sure I’ll screw up and use them because some of them are so deeply ingrained in my vocabulary.  I’m human.  They’re all pretty harmless anyway until you’ve been where I’ve been.  I’m trying to learn from this new perspective that I have.

Please realize this is for me.  I’m not looking for a safe space to keep out all of the mean words.  I’m looking to change my vocabulary to match my thinking. I’m also looking to point out that I’ve said some really stupid things.

So many people have been really paranoid about offending me or hurting me with what they say.  Here’s the thing, there’s nothing you can say or do to make it better, just like there’s nothing that you can say or do to make it worse.  It is what it is (this platitude I refuse to give up).

 

 

Age Gap

What is the Perfect Age Gap?

I love, LOVE, love this article.  I have struggled so much with the fact that my kids are each almost exactly 3-3.5 years apart.  With Benny missing in the middle, there are 6.5 years between Fletcher and Darcy.

His absence sometimes feels greater because of the age gap.  Because Darcy is such a little mother to him.  She’ll often times ask me how old she’ll be when he starts kindegarten and it makes me so sad.

Will they ever play together?  Will they have that sibling love/hate relationship?  I have a sister that’s 11 years older than me and just like in this article, we are the best of friends, I couldn’t imagine my life any different.  But we didn’t grow up together, or in the same house even.  Maybe that’s why we get along so well, we had very different childhoods.

My other concern is that if we had more children, would that further the distance between Fletcher and Darcy?  My sister that is 3 years older than me was the one that I fought with, that grew up with me.  As I’m writing this, I’m just realizing I could be describing my own childhood!

I’m a planner so this whole thing just makes me nuts.  I can’t stand feeling out of control (such an ugly non-existant word that goes into the category with deserve).

I don’t have answers.  Just more questions.  More confused as the days creep by.

Deserving

A few weeks ago a friend told me that they deserved something because they work hard.  This got me thinking very hard about that word.  Deserve.

So, if you work hard in life, do you deserve success and wealth?  Is it automatically assumed that you should have this in your life?  I’m pretty sure that’s how I felt before the accident that took my son’s life.  It made sense to me.

Now, take the same same word and apply it to my life.  Did I deserve to lose my child?  Did I do something so terrible in my life that I’m being punished?  Based on my original statement, it would seem yes.  Does everyone who has garnered a hardship deserved it?

Deserve is just another word for entitlement to me now.  Life does not owe you anything, because clearly if it did, I would be in line waiting with open palms.  The means don’t justify an end.  There is no guarantee that if you do things a certain way that you will achieve the desired results.

The lense through which I view the world has changed.  So much frustration I can now look at candidly.  I have also learned that even the best laid plans fall apart and it’s good to be flexible.

It’s amazing what perspective you can learn about life through grief.  This is the first time, probably ever, that I have been able to spend so much time with myself really looking at my life.  It’s terrifying and amazing all at once.  There are so many changes I want to make.

Maybe once I’m able to fully let go of the entitlement notion and see things for the randomness that they truly can be, it will be even clearer.  I’ll just keep muddling through this path that I’m.