Someone close to us actually tried to explain away my miscarriage in the Fall. I got the whole, ‘oh it happened for a reason, and if it didn’t, you wouldn’t have this baby,’blah blah blah. I probably could have been a little more rational if this happened before Benny, but I honestly wanted to cause this person bodily harm when they said what they said. I ‘uh huh’-ed them and moved on.
This really bothers me, because a baby is a baby and hope is hope. If anyone ever says this about Benny, that we wouldn’t have this new baby if it weren’t for his death, they probably will be hurt. One life cannot replace another. We didn’t ever consider having another child to try to ‘make up’ for Benny’s loss. If anything, his loss makes this whole thing that much harder.
Parker and I talk constantly about the what if’s. What if he looks like Benny? What if he acts like Benny? Will he be as smart as Benny? What will our relationship be with him? Will we put him in Benny’s clothes (probably not), so what will we do with those clothes now? Do we try to put the baby in his old room? Does Darcy really understand any of this? Do we want her to? What stuff is off limits here?
There are no right answers. I’m constantly burdened by what is the right thing to do for our family. I’m sure that there will be plenty of judgment (there has been already). As excited as I am, I’m scared of all of it. I don’t know what the right choices are.