Someone close to us actually tried to explain away my miscarriage in the Fall.  I got the whole, ‘oh it happened for a reason, and if it didn’t, you wouldn’t have this baby,’blah blah blah.  I probably could have been a little more rational if this happened before Benny, but I honestly wanted to cause this person bodily harm when they said what they said.  I ‘uh huh’-ed them and moved on.

This really bothers me, because a baby is a baby and hope is hope.  If anyone ever says this about Benny, that we wouldn’t have this new baby if it weren’t for his death, they probably will be hurt.  One life cannot replace another.  We didn’t ever consider having another child to try to ‘make up’ for Benny’s loss.  If anything, his loss makes this whole thing that much harder.

Parker and I talk constantly about the what if’s.  What if he looks like Benny?  What if he acts like Benny?  Will he be as smart as Benny?  What will our relationship be with him?  Will we put him in Benny’s clothes (probably not), so what will we do with those clothes now?  Do we try to put the baby in his old room?  Does Darcy really understand any of this?  Do we want her to?  What stuff is off limits here?

There are no right answers.  I’m constantly burdened by what is the right thing to do for our family.  I’m sure that there will be plenty of judgment (there has been already).  As excited as I am, I’m scared of all of it.  I don’t know what the right choices are.

Author: sheriroaf

Sheri Roaf is the mother of four wonderful children who turned to blogging after her 17 month old son Bennett passed away unexpectedly. Through her writing she has found a way to help herself and her family move forward in the face of tragedy.

3 thoughts on “Replacement”

  1. Oh man, I don’t know how you didn’t hit her. That said, I try to reframe things for myself as: “If Ander hadn’t died, we wouldn’t have this particular baby, which makes this baby very, very special.” I know it’s my way of trying to make sense out of why Ander “had” to die, but it does help – especially when I think of him picking out this special sibling for us.


  2. People can be so clueless. In my last comment congratulating you I mentioned what a kick in the face your lost must have felt like at that time (and I’m sure still does) and that this pregnancy is healthy and a boy, maybe Benny made this new baby happen for you. I hope that in no way did that come across as taking anything away from your loss of your September baby or that one fixes the other. Nothing fixes loss. :(. I have to say that if anyone ever even insinuated that a new baby replaced the loss of Benny, that I would help you hurt that person! Nothing in the world could ever erase that or replace the little human he was. There are some moments that I have throughout my day when small things happen where I think about what happened to you guys and to Benny and I can’t even breathe. I don’t know how I would answer any of the questions that you guys are asking yourselves now. I think many of them can’t be answered until you are in that moment and you just go with what your heart feels is the way to go.


  3. In my humble opinion I think just another reason you and Parker are awesome is because you are out in the open, you are letting life happen instead of curling into a corner for the rest of your lives, and you are taking some risks and going in blindly. If anything to me this new baby is your way of honoring Benny ( and maybe Benny’s way of honoring you), because you aren’t giving up on hope. My friends opened an orphanage when their daughter died. They continually say that it hasn’t replaced her, but it has brought back some of the energy and happiness that came from her. I hope that’s what your new little guy does for you! Also, I don’t have a ton of newborn stuff, but you are welcome to Phillip’s clothing!


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