Yes, I am behind on my 17 Days of Benny blogging, but there is just so much going on right now. We are ‘attempting’ to finish up some lingering projects around the house so that we have some options in the future. I have been busy with Parker and the business. I am now officially the treasurer for the North Atlantic Packards Club as well. Let the chaos begin.
Then comes Mother’s Day. Right in the middle of it all. Or perhaps just May in general. Last year sucked. I was in a terrible mood all day, staining countertops and just trying my damndest to ignore the whole awful thing. It was bad. I didn’t know how to handle missing my mom and my son.
This year I decided to try something different. We started the day with a yummy brunch with Parkers mom and then headed to the cemetary. It was completely packed! There were tons of people there, we couldn’t believe it. Darcy had brought Benny two pinwheels, so we cleaned up his toys a bit, visited and then walked around. We noticed that there was a new headstone in the baby garden, which killed me. They were twins that passed on Darcy’s birthday last year. It broke my heart.
Parker and I sat down on a bench as Darcy walked around. We were the only ones in the baby garden until another couple walked over and sat down by the twins. It broke my heart again. I watched this newly grieving couple cry for their children. I wanted to go over and hug the momma. I just sat there silently crying for them and everything they lost.
I sometimes forget that it’s ok to cry for us too. It did happen to us too and we’re allowed to be upset. I can’t use housework to cloak my grief forever. I sat there watching that couple, seeing us. I cried for all of us and it felt damn good.
We left shortly after to work in the yard, play in the sprinkler and pool, burn the Christmas tree and just spend the day together. It felt good. I felt like I honored Benny. The day wasn’t nearly as bad as last year.
My heart still misses Benny and my Mom terribly though. At the cemetary I was wishing that she was buried closer so that I could visit and Darcy could sense some physical connection. I hate that they’re not here, hate it everyday, but especially today. It’s comforting to know that they are together at least and that is something that I know with absolute certainty.