CYG – Day 13: Regrets + Triggers
I have plenty of pre-grief regrets, but this is supposed to be about my grief regrets. I suppose I have a few of those too. My biggest regret is how selfish this whole thing makes me feel. There are days that I just feel like it’s all about me and my pain and there are so many people out there dealing with their own stuff. It’s hard to realize sometimes that there are other things happening outside of what happened to us.
I regret not writing sooner in the process, I think it would have been helpful. I regret that I don’t write nearly as much I want to, need to. There are so many things in my head fighting to get out.
I regret not getting my life back together sooner. Looking back, I feel like I was in a coma, even though I was present. I wish that I had picked myself up a little sooner.
There are triggers everywhere. Most of the time, I don’t even see them until it’s too late. A song, a picture, someone asking how many kids we have, blond toddlers, the list goes on. It’s one of those things you never expect until it’s too late and then you’re in the midst of it biting your lip, blinking your eyes and catching your breath and hoping that it passes quickly.
One thought on “CYG – Day 13”
Benny had such a lasting effect on so many of us. Even though you’d think an 18 month old blonde toddler would remind me of Phillip, I saw a little guy yesterday at a party and my mom and I looked at each other, clearly with the same thoughts. I didn’t even know Benny, but I know my mom and I had a little moment of silence and reflection for you and your little man at that moment.