hope – Page 4 – Sunshine, Angels and Rainbows

May 17

One of my first thoughts after Benny had passed was his birthday. Ohhhh, his birthday. How would we get through that day? Just the thought would throw me into hysterics. My child should be getting older, not feeling further away.

I told Parker that I wanted to do another memorial on his birthday. Why not, I figured, the day is going to suck anyway. We figured we would bury him on his birthday. When I really sat down and talked it through though, that wasn’t a possibility. I mean, how could we explain to Darcy that Benny was in a tiny box? She was having a hard enough time with the whole soul/body concept anyway. This service was supposed to be for the kids and the last thing I wanted to do was further confuse them. That’s why we buried him, just me and Parker on May 8th.

So I sat down with Sandy, Tara and Parker and we talked it through. Suddenly, what we were picturing as ‘awful’ became ‘hopeful’. That probably sounds wrong, but here’s the thing, when someone dies suddenly, you rarely have the time to think about how you want them to be remembered. You’re knee deep in pain and just want to get through the service. You don’t really get the chance to say what you might want/need to because you’re so in shock.

I remember Benny’s first Memorial service, it was beautiful and Pastor Aaron did a great job. I just about sobbed through the whole thing because it all seemed so surreal. I hadn’t truly wrapped my head around any of it and honestly, it just hurt too damn bad. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to be alive without him. It hurt to think and it hurt to remember him. It was a celebration of life, but so bitter to me, still so unfair.

We showed up on May 17 to a gathering of family and friends. Some of these people have always stood by us and some we have become closer with through this tragedy. No matter how we are connected to these folks, the love that was shown at that cemetery was amazing.

My friend Chris brought a train table for the kids ‘to play with Benny,’ and set it up close to his grave. He then began to speak about Benny. He said that he didn’t know Benny to be much of a crier, but rather he was always happy, always smiling. He said that today was a tough day and cry if you have to, but leave with a smile in your heart, because that’s what Benny would have wanted. We had to wait as 50+ motorcycles lead a procession out of the cemetery in the midst of Chris’ speech. I smiled, as Benny would have loved it.

We shared our favorite Benny memories (more on that later) and most were funny. When Sandy began to speak my heart ached for all that she lost with us that day. It was such a beautiful tribute to such a beautiful soul. Tara read ‘The Invisible String’ and the kids sat amongst the babies graves in the Garden of the Angels and in that moment there was such peace. It reminded me of the day that Benny was born and we were bombarded with most of these children at the hospital. My neighbors 2 year old daughter sat and stroked Darcy’s hair so lovingly during the story. It was as if Benny were there trying to soothe her.

We came back to the house and walked the loop around Bjorklund in our Benny’s Bunch shirts. We picked up a few new folks and there had to be at least 100 if not more people involved. We walked across the street to the church where the kids all got balloons and sharpies and wrote messages to Bennett. We sang Happy Birthday before we let the balloons go. It was a very tough moment, singing to my son even though he wasn’t there, realizing that he would never grow older, but forever be just shy of 18 months. It tore us apart, but we got through and watched as the balloon floated up and away, over Worcester, up to Benny.

I have to write this down because I don’t ever want to forget. This day, that was supposed to be so terrible turned into something so beautiful. We are so blessed to have amazing, caring people in our lives. It was filled with love and I was able to remember that even though his life was fleeting, I got to have him, he was mine. I love you so much Benny Bear and will forever miss you!

Signs

I love the signs. They are everywhere if you’re open to them. I picked up a book about a girl who lost her mom to breast cancer. There’s a brother character named Bennett.

I’ve been feeling super guilty lately. Have I been grieving enough? Do I think about Benny enough? Have I been a good mom to Darcy today, a good wife to Parker? I’m trying so hard to be everything that my family needs, and pay bills, and fight insurance and do laundry, dishes and renovate the house. I’m in the present, in survival mode. Feeling like the worst mother because I’m not missing my son enough. I can’t hold it together and miss him though.

My friend Mac called to chat. I was telling him that Darcy was having a tough time and he can relate because his kids lost their mother. He told me that he just had to keep moving forward for the kids, be in the moment. It took him a few years for it to really hit him. He told me not to feel guilty and just keep doing what I’m doing, that I’m a good mom. He said he had a feeling that he needed to call me, that I needed to talk.

I don’t know how he knew what I was feeling, I hadn’t even said the words aloud to Parker. It’s funny how the Universe has it’s way, although, I’m sure there was a little help from a beautiful curly headed blue eyed boy and his grandma. My god, I miss you Benny.

Greg Hill Foundation Speech

We had a son named Bennett. Now I know that every parent says this, but Bennett was so smart and so beautiful. You could get lost in his deep blue eyes, impish dimples or blond ringlets. He had a mischevious smile that always kept you guessing what he was planning next. Benny was very different from our daughter, Darcy. Where as Darcy was more quiet and careful in new situations or around new people, Bennett would walk right up and try to shake a strangers hand. He was so rough, so crazy, and so confident in everything he did. He was all boy. He challenged me as a parent in many different ways than Darcy did, instead of the theatrics, I was constantyly chasing him, pulling him off of things. Benny was exhausting to parent, but I always had a smile on my face because he was so funny and engaging. At 17.5 months he already had a vocabulary that would rival any 2 year olds and was capable of communicating his needs. He was part of ‘our set’, Bennett and Darcy, from Pride and Predjudice.

It was roughly 3 months ago today that I laid in bed on a Friday morning like any other while my kiddos ran and jumped around my room. 3 months ago Benny and I went shopping for a coat and birthday presents for his big sister. He spent most of the time in line flirting with the younger girl behind me. 3 months ago we were running late (per usual) to meet up with a friend. We went to the bouncy house place and I had a blast! Benny kept taking drinks from the water fountain and asking to ‘wash’ his hands. 3 months ago today I called my husband and told him that yeah, things might be financially tight, but I loved being a mom and even though I never expected him, I loved having a son. 3 months ago today we went to Wendy’s and Benny got fries and chicken nuggets and I felt so guilty he didn’t have any fruits or vegetables. He fell off the chair at the restaurant and I thought that was as bad as my day was going to get. 3 months ago I was marveling at the late afternoon snow while Bennett slept in the back of my car, so tired from our busy day. 3 months ago that I was removing him from the car and our world ended and this horrible new reality took hold. What I wouldn’t give to go back to 3 months ago + 1 day. What I wouldn’t give to memorize every dimpled smile, every laugh, every pout and every fit. But we cannot go backward, we can only go forward.

In the days after losing Benny, we watched people, mostly strangers, enter our lives and show their support. People in droves started showing up with food, flowers and presents to help us get through this hard time. We watched in awe as strangers began putting stuffed animals, drawings and flowers on Chester Street in Benny’s memory. The amount of support was overwhelming and we have been blessed to make many new friends.

Our close friends contacted the Greg Hill Foundation the day after the accident. They knew that we did not have life insurance for Bennett and that financially we were not prepared to pay for funeral expenses or any time missed from work. Parker owns his own company and I was working part-time. No one expects something like this to happen to them.

Greg and company held an online/on-air fundraiser for our family the Friday after Bennett’s Memorial. It was weird waking up and hearing our name on the radio, weird to hear our tragic story. What happened still hadn’t really sunk in yet, I don’t know if it ever will. They were able to raise money from listeners and matched what was raised to help us out. Again, we witnessed the kindness of strangers rushing to help us out in our time of need. I cannot begin to explain how healing that was in our darkest hour. It really brought hope to an otherwise desolate situation.

In December we chose to participate in the Jingle All the Way 5k in Parker’s hometown of Sudbury to benefit the Greg Hill Foundation. We assembled a team of 50+ walkers and runners and joined the other crazy folks that braved the 8 degree temperatures. The walk meant the world to us as our team donned ‘Benny’s Bunch’ shirts and we were able to see his smiling face all around us. Once again the Greg Hill Foundation had provided a healing experience for our family to enable us to take a step forward in our grief.

The injuries that I sustained from the accident were minimal in comparison to losing my son, but I was not prepared to return to work mentally. When something like this happens, it shifts your whole perspective on what is important. While I have been out on disability, Parker has had to return to work because there’s no one there to cover for you when you’re the boss. For Parker it was hard because Benny showed such an interest in what his daddy did. It took awhile before he was able to get back into his shop and there are still tough days when the motivation just isn’t there.

The money that was raised by the Greg Hill Foundation has allowed us to breathe a little bit and figure out what we want to do next. It has helped us to pay bills, health insurance and finish out some projects around the house in case we decide some day down the road that we can’t stay. It has given us options in what is a really terrible situation. It has allowed us to seek counseling and take the time off of work to grieve and heal as a family.

We are now part of the club no parent wants to be a part of. I cannot begin to describe what it’s like to witness losing your child. You can’t imagine the hole that it opens in your heart that only time can mend or the questions that you will never have answered, like why did this happen?

We will never know why Benny was only with us for 18 months. We will never know why we will not be able to see him grow up with his big sister. We will never know why he wasn’t ours to keep.

Here is what we do know, we were so blessed to have Bennett in our lives, even if it was for a short time. The amount of love and happiness that he brought to Parker, Darcy and myself will never be forgotten. We are lucky that there are people out there like Greg, Erin, Katelynn and Adam who are willing to take the time to make such a difference in peoples lives in their time of need. We are so thankful to Greg and the Hill Foundation for what they have done for our family.

We want to leave you with a quote from Winnie the pooh-

‘If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together…there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart…I’ll always be with you’

Thank you.

‘Life isn’t abo…

‘Life isn’t about how to survive the storm but how to dance in the rain.’

I love this quote. I don’t feel much like dancing and I’m damn tired of the rain, but we’ll get there. One day at a time.