To My First Born Son

Dear Benny,

You are a big brother!  You have an incredible little brother that I just wish so much that you could meet.  I know that you had some part in bringing him into our lives and I’m so thankful for that.

Before he was born I was so focused on how hard it would be to have another baby, another boy.  I was so worried about what stuff of yours I could reuse, what clothes, toys,  what to do with your room.  I was so concerned that I would have a hard time bonding with the new little guy.  What if something happened to him to?  How would I ever pick up the pieces again?  I was so scared of how much he could look like you.  How would I deal with that?

Now that he’s here, there is happiness again.  I remember how easy it is to fall in love.  I’m surprised at how quickly it happened, how intensely we are bonded.  I think that is because I know that he is a part of you, Darcy and Parker.  I’m so lucky to have Fletcher in my life and so surprised by how much love I feel.  The clothes, the room, it’s all secondary, I will figure it out.  Yes, he does look like you, a lot.  The resemblance is so incredible that there are times when I hold him and I forget where he starts and you end.  There are moments when I feel sent back in time to when you were a baby and we were all so happy.  I get glimpses of how it used to be and I have to ask myself, did it all really happen?  It’s confusing and makes me feel so guilty because I never want to downplay the fact that you were here.  Right now it’s just hard to distinguish between my two little guys.  He certainly is mouthy and much larger than you were and I know that he will be his own person in time.

It’s hard not to wonder if he will be more like you or more like Darcy.  You were our carefree, loving life little guy.  Darcy is so obsessive and serious sometimes that I forget that she’s only 6.  I hope that he loves the cars like you and Daddy.

Now that he’s here, I wish that you were here more than ever.  That happiness that I talk about, it’s an incredible feeling, but fleeting when I realize that you’re not here to share it with us.  You would be 3 now and I’m sure a handful.  I would probably be overwhelmed with 3 of you, but that’s how my life usually is.

I wish that you were here to add to the chaos.  I wish I was telling you to be quiet because the baby is sleeping.  I wish that I could have all of my children together in one place.  I wish that we could take a family picture or go on a family vacation, all of us.  There’s such an enormous piece of our puzzle missing.  I wish you were here.

Love, Mommy