Three Months ‘AA’

I cannot begin to fathom how we have survived without Benny for 3 months now.  It isn’t easy and usually it sucks.  It’s hard looking at this picture everyday and missing that beautiful smile.  It’s hard not seeing him at Darcy’s side.  I miss their laughter as they would tear through the house together.

I don’t sleep at night.  I try really hard and even when I’m tired I just don’t sleep.  I read, watch TV, but mostly I just lay there and think.  Not about anything specific, I just can’t shut my brain down and relax.  I think it’s so that I don’t have to think about that day, my coping mechanism.

I miss the sound of the waves over the monitor and always having to be quiet at night so as not wake him up.  I miss how much noise he would make rolling around in that crib at night and I would hold my breath hoping that he wouldn’t wake up.  It was like listening to a pin ball machine.  What I wouldn’t give to just hold him in my arms one more night in the rocking chair.

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