I cannot begin to fathom how we have survived without Benny for 3 months now. It isn’t easy and usually it sucks. It’s hard looking at this picture everyday and missing that beautiful smile. It’s hard not seeing him at Darcy’s side. I miss their laughter as they would tear through the house together.
I don’t sleep at night. I try really hard and even when I’m tired I just don’t sleep. I read, watch TV, but mostly I just lay there and think. Not about anything specific, I just can’t shut my brain down and relax. I think it’s so that I don’t have to think about that day, my coping mechanism.
I miss the sound of the waves over the monitor and always having to be quiet at night so as not wake him up. I miss how much noise he would make rolling around in that crib at night and I would hold my breath hoping that he wouldn’t wake up. It was like listening to a pin ball machine. What I wouldn’t give to just hold him in my arms one more night in the rocking chair.