Darcy shouldn’t be growing older. Parker shouldn’t be back at work. Time is supposed to stand still. My life has, how is it that other people can still go about their daily activities?
It’s truly frustrating. I try very hard to put on this mask and pretend that all is OK. I’m pushing myself to do things that I’m just not ready for to prove that I’m OK. Maybe that’s the problem, I’m not OK. I don’t want to go to your child’s birthday party when my son doesn’t get to grow older. I don’t want to drive a car because I miss him being in it with me. It all feels like moving on and frankly, I don’t want to.
I ache to move backwards. My arms ache to hold my son. My lips ache to smile, and laugh, really laugh because something is funny, not to make someone feel comfortable.
I fucking hate this. I hate that 4 months have gone by and every day we creep closer to his birthday in May. I hate that people have disappeared, how easily they have seemed to move on. I hate feeling stuck. I’m trying so hard, but I really don’t want to anymore. I’m so tired of being OK.