Flexible

Am I grieving enough?  Am I truly feeling Benny’s loss every moment of every day?  I feel like people have these expectations about how I’m supposed to act or feel.  I don’t even know how I’m supposed to act or feel!

I don’t know if I’m actually dealing with this or I’m still numb.  Am I looking at Parker’s anguish and Darcy’s outbursts and once again deciding that I have to be the strength that this family needs to keep it together?  God, it gets truly exhausting.  I’m terrified that if I start to fall apart, I will not be able to stop.  It will be like the first 48 hours all over again, where I just sat and cried, over and over again.  I will loose myself to the pain and never find my way back out again.  It was easier then because I was physically broken too.  I reveled in the pain because it was something that I could accept and feel.

I’ve jumped into house projects with a  vengeance.  The laundry is all done and put away and the sink is empty of dishes.  Dinner is on the table every night.  Everything in the house is in order.  I’m keeping busy, it’s what I’m supposed to do, right?  I need a rule book for this!!

Am I overthinking all of this?  I don’t cry every day, am I supposed to?  I don’t think about Benny all day long, am I supposed to?  I still cannot even wrap my head around what happened, and I was there!  I’m numb to the accident and it’s aftermath.  I feel as if I’ve lost a leg and I’m just doing my best every day to learn to walk again.

I remember at work they always used to say that I was ‘flexible’.  Am I also flexible about my sons death?  I hate this.  I hate questioning my mind and wondering if I’m losing it.  I hate the fact that I have to make the best of EVERYTHING.  God, I wish that I could just give in and wallow a bit…