7 Months ‘AA’

How has another whole month crept by?  Is it possible that we are into the second half of the year surrounding Benny’s death?  I’m not quite sure how this happened.

We’ve been attending The Compassionate Friends meetings in Westminster going on our 3rd time now.  The first time was so hard, I was so tensed up and stressed out about going that I ended up with a massive migraine for days afterwards.  It gets easier once you get to know everyone and their stories.  Parker and I actually talked this past week and it felt good to actually chime in a bit.  It’s hard being amongst the youngest there.  Most other folks children are older, they had more time with them.  One of the mother’s actually said she felt sorry for us and another couple because we had such a small window with our boys.

When my mom died, it wasn’t like this.  It hurt, believe me, it hurt like hell, but it didn’t knock me on my ass.  It didn’t make it painful to breathe some days.  I was back in school a week later, studying for finals.  Maybe it was because I was younger.  Maybe it was because I needed to get out of my house.  Maybe it was because I watched her suffer and it was time.  Maybe.

I’m functioning.  I get up, most days after 10 because I just can’t sleep at night no matter how tired I am.  I usually wake up to do Darcy’s hair, then fall back asleep.  Parker gets her on the bus probably 4 days out of 5 a week.  I’m hoping to get out of this habit this summer when she’s in camp.  She’ll only be there for 4 weeks and it’s half days.

I have days when I want to conquer the world, pay my bills, deal with insurance, etc.   I get so frustrated because it feels like there’s so much to do and so little time.  Then the idea of that knocks me on my ass again.  Reminds me to not get overbooked, overwhelmed.  So I end up taking a day or two to breathe, then I stress because nothing has gotten done.  This whole cycle starts again.  It’s all so tiring.

My therapist tells me to not let my life ‘get small’ but I don’t really want to make it big.  I’m not ready to deal with that yet.  I enjoy the simplicity of my life now.  The idea of stress sends me on edge.

7 months, can’t believe it.  Darcy had a dance recital today and it was a really great day.  Seems so wrong that we continue to live our lives with such a huge piece missing.  Sigh.

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