It’s getting in the way again. I’m too focused on bills, mortgages, insurance, I’ve buried myself in this pile of paperwork. Maybe it’s my escape, some place that I know I will be safe from the hurt. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just because we had a busy weekend and it’s a busy week.
Darcy had her dance recital on Sunday. She blew us away, she was amazing, not only as a dancer, but her stage presence was unreal. She has such poise and grace for such a small person. It made me cry to watch and wish that my mom and Bennett were here too. I wish that they could also watch her in awe and be as proud of her as we are. It’s so hard going to these things without them. I miss chasing Benny around everywhere we go. I ache for my daughter to be able to know her grandmother’s love. It’s so hard for me because I know how much Darcy is missing it out on.
We had several birthday parties. It’s weird going with only 1 child, singing happy birthday, watching all of the other children in your life growing older. We sang happy birthday and released balloons for Benny, but there were no candles, he didn’t get to make any wishes. I try to picture what he would be doing, what he would be saying. How tired I would be at the end of the day, but so content, because he was so full of life.
It keeps happening, days pass, weeks, months. He’s still gone and it’s still so unbelievable. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and they still happen even though he’s gone. It all just feels so hollow, so sad. I miss him.