8 Months ‘AA’

I’m angry. I’m angry and I’m sad. We sat down to update our pictures in our picture frames. We will never have pictures of Benny past 17 months old, he will forever be frozen in time. I will never know what he would have looked like because he will never grow up. When he was born I remember the nurse holding him and asking him if he would be the one to cure cancer or create world peace. We will never know what amazing things he could have done with his life. I look at Darcy and she just seems so damn grown up. I miss having my little guy around. Like Parker said the other night, I just want to blow raspberries on his tummy.

It’s been 8 months. I don’t know how this happened. When we hit 17 months we will have lived without him the same length of time that we lived with him. We’re almost halfway there. It kills me inside. I don’t know why this happened to us. I don’t know why it was him and not me. I don’t know why I’m here again. My grandparents, my aunt, my uncle, my God parents, my mom and my son. Maybe I’m cursed. Maybe this is hell and I don’t even know it. Sure feels like it some days.

8 months. There’s that number again. November 8th, the day he died; May 8th, the day we buried him; June 18th, the day the water main broke; 88, Parker’s car number on the Great Race. I’m not sure yet the significance of 8. I know that turned on it’s side it symbolizes infinity. How ironic a sign of infinity in this case.

I look at my physical scars, mostly healed now and I’m frustrated. How do I look the same 8 months later on the outside? There are a few scars, but nothing that really tells the story of the accident on my body. How is that possible? Why am I spared? There are days when I feel that I should carry the scarlet letter A on myself, for accident.

I’m scared to meet new people because I don’t want to answer the question about how many children I have. It feels wrong to not mention Benny. It’s easier when people just know, although if I have to listen to another person ask me how I’m doing, I might scream. How do you think I’m doing 8 months after watching my son die? I know they mean well, it just gets tiring. I’m tired. Of all of this.

8 months and I’m still numb. 8 months and I still don’t understand.

Author: sheriroaf

Sheri Roaf is the mother of four wonderful children who turned to blogging after her 17 month old son Bennett passed away unexpectedly. Through her writing she has found a way to help herself and her family move forward in the face of tragedy.

14 thoughts on “8 Months ‘AA’”

  1. Sher, In Hebrew the #18 means life. I learned this when my dental hygienist, a breast cancer survivor, donated to my 3-day page for $18.00 and I asked her if the 18 was a significant number to her. She told me it meant life and that it is a blessing!


    1. It certainly was a blessing watching that road disappear. They just tied in the driveway and curbing, it’s so nice to look down and see how different and new it looks.


  2. I’m sorry for you pain Sheri. I know well the question “why?” but there doesn’t seem to be an answer that would make anything better. No one could answer the “why” and I be satisfied with it. Nothing justifies this. There will be times when you will tell Benny’s story because he is worth sharing. Give yourself whatever you need. Wishing you peace.


    1. Thank you for your kind words and understanding. There are good days and bad ones, thank goodness for all of our signs and my little lady. Most days it’s enough, today it was not.


    2. Thank you so much Mira. I’m so sorry about the loss of your daughter. What you have done with the cranes is absolutely beautiful and a testament to her life. It sometimes feels like a fight against time, trying to hold on to something and hope others don’t forget.


  3. And, I could be adding them wrong, but in your list up there, is he your eighth person to have lost? It really isn’t fair, Sheri. Seriously. :/


    1. Wow, I never thought about that, but yes, he is. Some more significance to that number. It just keeps coming.


  4. Raspberries on his tummy :-(, made me weep. It’s this simplest of joys that are the greatest of pains. God, I miss him so much for you.


    1. I have read this a few times trying to see how I could comment. First, you have every right be be very “angry. and sad.” The loss of your baby at 17 months has to be one of the toughest losses anyone could have. I have experienced other losses with you including your mother
      (the sister I loved to mother as a child), your grandmother (my mother),
      your uncle & godfather (my “big brother”) and nothing can compare with the loss of Benny. I wish I was with you to give you hugs and support.

      I don’t think it is a family curse. We don’t understand why we are saved. I have asked myself so many times why I survived cancer and my brother and sister died. I remember going to the accident when Scott died, and wondering why”Scott.” I remember waking up and finding out my Dad died during the night. Joan was only six at the time.

      What I do know that my Mom was suffering too, but always took care of us and put us before her needs. Your Mom fought a courageous fight against cancer. She was a strong woman who always put the needs of her family first. Sheri, you are a strong compassionate woman. I see that special bond with Parker and Darcy. Don’t fight your feelings!.
      It is understandable that you still feel numb from the loss of Benny..

      I pray to God to give you strength to keep going. I do believe in an
      after-live in Heaven, and that we will see our loved ones again..

      I love you all and miss you.
      Aunt Dorothy



    2. Thank you Katie. Just hug your little man tight for the both of us. I find that I cannot get enough of other peoples babies and toddlers now.


  5. I definitely will. Not a single night goes by now when I put him to bed that I don’t think of your family and I never want to let go. Maybe one day you can meet him and give him a hug big enough to reach Bennie. His blonde curls bounce around when he runs, just like your little guy. You would like him.


  6. I do the same as Katie:)
    And by the way, in a whole year I just noticed that my little guy’s favorite fire truck toy is ladder 88!


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