Last night I was halfway asleep, feeling the little guy kicking away inside enjoying his own dance party. I almost always sleep with my hand on my belly because it’s so comforting to me to feel him.
I started to cry. All of a sudden I was really sad. All of this looking forward was a great distraction, but it doesn’t change anything, Benny is still gone. I cried to Parker that Benny was dead and there wasn’t a damn thing that we could do about it.
He’ll never get to be a big brother, this baby will not know his smile or his laugh. He will have missed out on his big brother. It’s really sad. He’s going to be a part of a grieving family, but not part of the grieving himself.
I often worry about the ‘before’ and ‘after’ situation that we will have. Darcy was so lucky to have Benny in her life. She had a companion at a young age, a little person to boss around. She also knows loss like no little child should. She has witnessed our grief and how it has changed us as parents and partners. This will be hers to carry forever. She knows how fragile life is and that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.
This baby is a blank slate. He knows nothing of our grief and what he’s missed out on. He didn’t have to go through losing Benny. He will never know Benny. He will never know any of us without our grief that we carry with us. He will only know the new version of our family.
We’ll always be divided by this. I’ll forever feel like my children will be getting different versions of me. I wish there was a guidebook on how to parent after loss. How can I not look at these two children so differently?