Sad

Last night I was halfway asleep, feeling the little guy kicking away inside enjoying his own dance party. I almost always sleep with my hand on my belly because it’s so comforting to me to feel him.

I started to cry. All of a sudden I was really sad. All of this looking forward was a great distraction, but it doesn’t change anything, Benny is still gone. I cried to Parker that Benny was dead and there wasn’t a damn thing that we could do about it.

He’ll never get to be a big brother, this baby will not know his smile or his laugh. He will have missed out on his big brother. It’s really sad. He’s going to be a part of a grieving family, but not part of the grieving himself.

I often worry about the ‘before’ and ‘after’ situation that we will have. Darcy was so lucky to have Benny in her life. She had a companion at a young age, a little person to boss around. She also knows loss like no little child should. She has witnessed our grief and how it has changed us as parents and partners. This will be hers to carry forever. She knows how fragile life is and that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

This baby is a blank slate. He knows nothing of our grief and what he’s missed out on. He didn’t have to go through losing Benny. He will never know Benny. He will never know any of us without our grief that we carry with us. He will only know the new version of our family.

We’ll always be divided by this. I’ll forever feel like my children will be getting different versions of me. I wish there was a guidebook on how to parent after loss. How can I not look at these two children so differently?

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7 thoughts on “Sad”

  1. There is no guidebook. It is bittersweet at the new joys you will have but will always know that one is missing. I feel that way every day. Sometimes I even feel guilty for laughing. I also feel sorry for my living children because the mother they have always known died a little too the day their brother died. All we can do is our best and pray that the best we give is sufficient. I am here if you ever need to talk or vent. Much love and many prayers,
    Belinda
    mrsjschell@gmail.com

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  2. First of all congratulations. Your new baby is blessed with such a caring mom. You said, “I wish there was a guidebook on how to parent after loss” Keep writing with this in mind. Something good can come of all the grief you are experiencing. Bless you.

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    1. Thank you Sammy. It’s hard to think that this little guy will get such different parents than my daughter. Although I suppose that we’re very different now with her too. It’s very confusing and I bounce from happy to sad as I try to figure it all out. Thanks for the encouragement!

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      1. I raised 14 children. I can say with all surety I was not the same when the first was born till the last was grown. But one thing remains the same, our spirit. A baby will recognize a mother’s spirit from the time of birth because he or she has come from a place where only spirit lives. Your baby will know and understand this from the beginning. You’ll be fine and when the time comes you will probably wonder what all the fuss was about. Happy pregnancy :).

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  3. Wow. That makes me really sad, too. I wish I had an answer for you. I’m sure you’ve already thought a lot of this through, but I’d think the baby will grow up feeling a bit of that loss, understanding the existence of Benny…but in a different way? I don’t know about you when you were pregnant with Benny, but when I was pregnant with Phillip I was very concerned about how his birth, his joining our family, would affect Lila and her little world. There were adjustments, and I know I changed as a mother having two little ones now, but we all just sort of formed a “new normal” together. You know no one will forget Benny, but the new little one will maybe help you piece things together a little bit. He’ll be fine, because he never knew any different. But still, of course it’s sad.. pregnancy is so emotional anyway, man! Then add all of these questions and the grieving!

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    1. Exactly, I’m a hormonal disaster! Maybe that’s a good thing though. I hadn’t really thought about how much Darcy’s life changed when Benny was born in a long time, but you’re exactly right. I was worried about her not being the center of attention and I am worried about that again. I have had so much time with her one on one and it has been amazing. I just feel like she’s being thrown into this all over again, not that she’s complaining. So many changes for someone so young. It’s all just very hard to try to figure out.

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  4. Yeah, I can imagine how much harder it is. Like my Gramma said, you’re still Benny’s mother, here or ‘in the next room,’ so you’re probably thinking things through as you did with your Benny pregnancy, but now for Benny and Darcy. That little girl sounds just so amazing. I think Darcy will probably help you figure things out!

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