I want to write, I truly do. I can’t seem to form the words lately. To say it’s been hard is an understatement.
I want to feel that great sigh that I get from writing, when I’m able to let it all go. I miss emptying my brain and letting the words, the emotions come out.
It’s self preservation mode now. Too much has happened, too much is going on and too much is headed for us. Dreaded May. I try to ignore the calendar, but the days are flying by and soon we will be back to May 8th.
This date truly signifies in my mind that I have spent more time without Benny now than with him. How is that even possible? Was it truly a year ago that Parker and I drove out to the cemetery by ourselves and placed half of Benny’s ashes in the ground?
Sometimes it feels like a dream, or something awful that happened to something else. After a year and a half you get used to living with the hole in your soul and the feeling that something is missing. You almost become numb to it. We’ve gotten through all of the firsts, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. We’ve cried enough tears for several lifetimes. Yet here we are still, 18 months later. Stuck. Scared to move forward and terrified to look back. Still broken, but in a different way.