CYG – Day 20

CYG – Day 20:  Forgiveness + Humanity

My favorite part about the description for this topic is humanity.  It’s the human aspect that I think we sometimes forget in our disappointment/anger in others.  I will be the first to admit that I have very high expectations for those in my life, which might be why when they don’t act as I would expect, I have a very hard time dealing with it.

I also have a very short fuse and a very long memory.  I can forgive, but it takes me a very long time to trust again.  I always hope for the best in people, but expect the worst.

It’s very hard for me to move forward with people in my life that have wronged me because of how I grew up.  My father is an alcoholic and I was left with him after my mom died when I was 16.  He wasn’t a very nice alcoholic and was a disaster after my mom passed.  Looking back, I realize how lucky he was that I was such a straightlaced teenager.  I could have gotten away with so much and he would have had no clue.  It was as if I lost both parents when my mom passed.  He wasn’t there to care for me when I needed someone so desperately.

I think one of my largest lessons learned from my father is humanity.  To look at him as an imperfect human.  Is it ok that he fell apart?  No.  Will he have to answer to my mom some day?  Absolutely.  But he is who he is.  I cannot change him.  He’s an imperfect human in a really crappy situation.

I spent YEARS so angry with him.  I still am, but it’s tempered down now.  I don’t know that I’ve made my peace with it, more just that I’ve grown up a bit and am able to handle it better.  Distance has probably helped as well.

I know my limits when it comes to him now.  I’ve learned his limits as well.  I suppose it’s all a part of growing as a person.  This has taught me that sometimes it takes years to forgive someone and it’s a process.  But that’s ok, every journey is different.

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