2 Years ‘AA’

So I need to write one more entry for CYG to close it out, but in order to do so, I need to look back at where I was last year relative to this year.  Suffice it to say, it’s going to be awhile.

I’m curious how different things look through the lense of 2 years out opposed to 1 year out.  Yes, there are obvious things have changed, such as Fletch, but it’s supposed to be about where I’m at in my ‘grief journey.’  I don’t know that I like that term because ‘journey’ implies that there is an end.  There is no end to this.

I cannot believe that I’m writing about this 2 years out.  It all seems so foreign to me now.  It’s like that awful thing that happened to someone else-but it actually happened to me.  How is that even possible?  2 years out and I still cannot wrap my head around losing Benny and I was there!  I guess not too much has changed in that department.

He would be 3 1/2 now.  I can’t believe that.  He would be in preschool.  Maybe he would play soccer or do gymnastics.  Maybe he and Darcy would fight like siblings do.  A lot of ‘maybe’s’ and ‘would’s’ here.  More like ‘should.’

I miss him every day.  I watch Fletch, who is so like his brother, and wonder what kind of mischief they might get into together.  They have the same flirty smile and deep dimples.  I watch Fletch play with Darcy and I’m so filled with happiness and sorrow all at once.  There’s someone missing from their game, there always will be.

I’m not surprised at how much I miss him, but rather how much I miss my mom.  I feel like every time something big happens, I miss her more.  I missed her at graduation, both high school and college; I missed her at my wedding, but most of all I missed her when I first had kids.

My grandmother was right down the street from us growing up.  She came over after school and did our laundry, ironed and always had fresh baked cookies and butter cake.  My mom’s family is close and I have so many amazing memories growing up with that family during holidays.  I miss that.  I want that for my kids.

I think what made me miss her most this year was the absence of our remaining parents.  Not one of them acknowledged November 8th.  No phone call, no email, no text.  It probably wouldn’t bother me so much if at least one of them remembered.  The worst thing for a grieving parent is the belief that their child is being forgotten.  Well, thanks for that.

I know that if my mom was here, she would have been there.  She would have been there so much over the last 2 years.  She would have been an amazing support, she would have been a parent.  It kills me.  It’s grief compounded.

2 years out sucks too.  All of it still feels so unfair.  I mourn for Benny, I mourn for my mom, I mourn that Fletch will never meet his older brother.  I’m assuming it will just get harder too, because he’s our after.  He doesn’t know what he’s missing.  Kind of like Darcy with my Mom.  She doesn’t know what she’s missing.  It breaks my heart for both of them.

I wish that I could say that it gets easier.  It’s like parenting I suppose, it doesn’t get easier, the grief just changes.  What used to set you off a year ago is ok and another trigger has taken it’s place.  You start to lose another part of that person.  It sucks.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “2 Years ‘AA’”

  1. Reading your journey Sheri I was aching for you. I so wanted to give you such a warm long long hug.   The loss of Bennettwill always be painful and all the memories you hold deep within your hearts will make you smile.  As for family members not reaching out to you on the tragic daymaybe you should say something to them.  Let them know that it would of meant so much to you knowing they hold you cose to their hearts that day/  Believe me when I tell you I didn’t reach out to you by text, phone call however I did remember the day and prayed for all of you on my way to work.  I have the picture of Parker and Bennett you gave out its on my refrigerator and I adore it so much.  Take care and try to make the best of the holidaysI know it won’t be easy. When you take family pictureshold a big one up of Bennett to include him in.My friend does that in every family portrait.  She lost her daughter when she was 2.Lovingly  AnitaHello to Parker and hugs as well

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    1. Thank you Anita!! I try to have very realistic expectations of our parents, I didn’t expect to hear from the day of, but not one of them even acknowledged it after. It is what is and they are who they are. It just makes it harder as parents ourselves to think that we could ever treat Darcy this way. Hope that you’re getting some nice weather down there and you enjoyed your family visit. XOXOXO

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