In the last year I’ve found that I have received most of my news information from Facebook.  Since the accident I do not watch the news or really follow current events.  People post a lot of that (especially now), so I have no choice but to see it.

Parker and I are friends with many people on both sides of the political spectrum, so we see some really interesting stuff.  Political beliefs are one thing, but very often I will notice that someone from the right will post about XYZ and then someone from the left (completely unrelated) will post something refuting XYZ.  So this is when I feel like I need to be educated and go in search of the facts.

I liked it better when I was ‘in the bubble.’  Where the worst thing that could happen, already did.  Ignorance is bliss and I liked my small little world where very little information got in.

A friend of mine recently posted on FB that she ‘chooses humanity over fear,’ in referring to the refugee crisis.  Of all the posts that I read concerning this, hers was the most researched and she was able to back up her viewpoint.

But I’m not here to write about politics.  I’m the last person that should be making an argument for either side.  What struck me was how she said she ‘chooses humanity over fear.’  Parker and I have been talking about it for days now and I’ve come to the realization that we don’t have a choice, fear is what we know.

Now I’m not speaking in reference to the refugee crisis, but rather this whole ISIS threat.  As far as I’m concerned, they have won with us.  They have met their end goal.  I’m fucking terrified.  I know what it’s like to lose a child.  I don’t ever want to be there again.

A week ago we were considering taking Darcy to see A Christmas Carol, that idea ended last night as I’m reading that we should ‘stay away from large crowds.’  Yes, we’re being paranoid and we get that.  Yes, we let ISIS win by sheltering ourselves, but it’s not a choice for us.  I didn’t choose fear, it chose me.

I do not like the hold that it has over our lives, but it’s going to change how we do things, where we go.  I honestly started looking into home schooling, this is how paranoid I’ve become.  Parker, who is so often my voice of reason when I’m being crazy looked at me last night and said, ok, I’m onboard.  He said to me, ‘we know what it’s like to lose a child, it changes how you view things, what you feel threatened by.’

So now I sit here in panic and wait for something bad to happen. I know it’s not healthy and most of the time I can snuggle the kiddos and make it disappear for a bit, but it’s always there in the back of my mind.  What if…


Author: sheriroaf

Sheri Roaf is the mother of four wonderful children who turned to blogging after her 17 month old son Bennett passed away unexpectedly. Through her writing she has found a way to help herself and her family move forward in the face of tragedy.

2 thoughts on “Fear”

  1. I can totally see how you feel. I go back and forth about letting fear be a part of my life or not.. but most of the time it creeps in, sometimes when I least expect it. Last week we were talking about who might go in on a cheap cabin in the mountains somewhere if we needed to get out of the city for ‘some reason.’ You are not alone in these fears. As parents, we do not want our children to see or witness any of the dark evils that we know exist here on earth. I am trying my best to enjoy each day as if it were my last, because I think that’s a great way to live life anyway, but at the same time it is scary. My sister homeschools, by the way, if you are actually really interested. There are a lot of groups around. Like, her kids go to a Co-op, where other homeschooling parents trade off classes (like, she sends hers to an art and math class and in turn teaches theater. No matter what you choose to do, you are doing it out of your love and instinctual right to protect your own. You aren’t alone!


  2. I hear you. I know fear is inefficient and prevents us from living our lives, yet when you are forever changed by a tragedy that changes your life, you realize you are not immune. Your mind does not have the same reassuring dialogue. You know that the worst possible thing that could happen does happen to us. The odds change. Your comfort zone is overshadowed by nightmare that others can only imagine. I am in no way suggesting it is helpful to live this way. All I am trying to say is I feel where that fear comes from, Sheri. Hugs to you.


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