The Struggle

Parker told me the other day that he’s struggling.  He’s scared that something will happen to Fletcher.

Given what we’ve been through, I feel like this is pretty normal.  Fletch looks so much like Benny and he’s only 7 months shy of Benny’s age when he passed.  He’s getting around now, he’s more interactive and playful.  We’re heading into the toddler stage.

I told Parker that I think this is going to get worse before it gets better.  Maybe once he’s 18 months we can sigh with relief.  Maybe not.  I don’t know what to expect.

We panicked in the morning when he slept through the night.  Both of us having awful thoughts that something terrible had happened.  I didn’t say anything until Parker brought it up.  I’ve been terriffied since Fletch was born that something would happen.  I remember feeling this way when Darcy was born too.  Difference is now I know it’s not necessarily irrational.

I can’t ever imagine going through that again and surviving it.  I’m not quite sure how we did the first time.  It’s one thing to be scared of something happening and a whole other to know what it actually feels like.  I’m not immune.  There are no promises.

As much as Fletch makes me crazy, I am so deeply in love.  That’s scary, to allow myself to become that attached again.  To hope that I get to keep him.  To bring hope and joy back into our lives.  But that’s what keeps us going, is that hope.