Parker told me the other day that he’s struggling. He’s scared that something will happen to Fletcher.
Given what we’ve been through, I feel like this is pretty normal. Fletch looks so much like Benny and he’s only 7 months shy of Benny’s age when he passed. He’s getting around now, he’s more interactive and playful. We’re heading into the toddler stage.
I told Parker that I think this is going to get worse before it gets better. Maybe once he’s 18 months we can sigh with relief. Maybe not. I don’t know what to expect.
We panicked in the morning when he slept through the night. Both of us having awful thoughts that something terrible had happened. I didn’t say anything until Parker brought it up. I’ve been terriffied since Fletch was born that something would happen. I remember feeling this way when Darcy was born too. Difference is now I know it’s not necessarily irrational.
I can’t ever imagine going through that again and surviving it. I’m not quite sure how we did the first time. It’s one thing to be scared of something happening and a whole other to know what it actually feels like. I’m not immune. There are no promises.
As much as Fletch makes me crazy, I am so deeply in love. That’s scary, to allow myself to become that attached again. To hope that I get to keep him. To bring hope and joy back into our lives. But that’s what keeps us going, is that hope.
