The Unreality of it All

I was driving somewhere today and thinking about how disconnected I felt from Benny.  I was wondering if the accident really happened, if he was really real.  From time to time it’s hard for me to grasp the reality of it all.  I was feeling empty.

Did he really die?  Did we really survive that?  Did I actually carry and give birth to 4 children?  There are just times that I cannot wrap my head around it all.

Then I figure it’s just my mind’s way of protecting itself.  I was giving myself a break from the pain of it all.  Let’s face it, the holidays suck as a parent if you’ve lost a child.  I was enjoying a few moments of ‘unreality’.

Then of course I feel guilty for even having these thoughts.  Has my life become so busy that I’m not taking the time to stop and really tune into my dead son?  What kind of mother am I?

Fast forward to this evening and I’m relaxing on the couch watching Scrubs with Parks.  It’s probably the last show that I would expect to get to me, but it did tonight.  Now that I think about it, there are several episodes that deal with death and grief and the different way the characters handle it.  Sometimes serious, sometimes not.  Maybe that’s why I love this show.

Tonight the main characters that are doctors were dealing with a patient that was afraid of dying.  They talked about how they hoped that their last thought would be a happy one.  The episode closes with “maybe in the end all you can really hope for is your last thought is good, even if it is just about the taste of an ice cold beer”

Wow.  Just wow.  This brought me back from my ‘unreality’ super quick.  It was the punch in the guts that made me feel raw all over again, even these 4 years later.  Now I’m sitting here wondering how I could have ever felt any type of disconnect from Benny’s death.

I’m also wondering what his last thoughts were.  Was he scared?  Was he still groggy having just woken up?  Was he confused by my frustration at him being awake?

Or can I really just hope that death is like they say in the movies?  That your life flashes before your eyes and it’s like watching a movie.  His movie would have been short, but my God it would have been wonderful.  He made so many people so very happy and he was so very loved.  Maybe that’s all that I can hope for then.  That those last 7 seconds were happy thoughts.

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