Benny and the Jets

I used to sing this song. All of the time! When we had Bennett, there was never a grand plan to call him Benny. He was named after Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice and Bennett also happened to be my husband’s great grandfather’s last name. It was kismet.

But like most names, his was shortened. Never to Ben, it just didn’t work for him. It was ‘Bennett’, or ‘Benny’, or ‘Bennett Fletcher’ when he was really doing something he shouldn’t have been. Which was often.

We sang ‘Benny and the Jets’ in our house. We sang it a lot after Bennett was born. And today it came on in the car as I was driving to Walmart for my pick up order. And by some small miracle, I was alone. For the first time in nearly 3 months I was by myself and actually able to lose my shit.

I’ve been crying a lot lately. I’ve been crying over the uncertainty, or how unfair things have been for my kids, or how awful and divided this world has become. I’ve been crying over what I am missing. But I have not been crying over my Benny.

Today I had this beautiful moment. By myself. In my car. I had this moment to cry for my lost son. I had the space for a few minutes to grieve. I cried about him and not about any other injustice going on right now. I cried and I felt better. I felt good that I was able to hold this moment for him. Because with everything else going on, it’s been really hard to have my Benny Moments.

I needed this so much today. Thank you buddy. It’s so rare that I’m alone these days. It’s even more rare that I’m in the car going somewhere. Maybe he knew I needed this. Maybe it was kismet.