Child Loss – Page 8 – Sunshine, Angels and Rainbows

CYG – Day 19

CYG – Day 19: Music

The night of the accident and several days following, I had 90’s rap music stuck in my head. I’m sure it was a PTSD side affect, but it was so bizarre that music (and not great music) was my crutch those first few days. This topic is probably one of my favorites because I share so many song lyrics and songs on my blog. I love how I can be listening to a song and singing along and suddenly I realize how poignant the lyrics are. Here’s a few of my favorites centered around Benny. They speak to me because of different reasons.

This was the first song that Benny sang (rather ironically). He and Darcy would sit in the backseat and sing the ‘Roar’ chorus.

This song is just so hauntingly beautiful. It was also used in the slideshow for Benny on Parkers website.

Amazing. I’ve loved this song forever, always thought of it as a lullabye until now.

An oldie but goodie. Benny will be forever young.

This song destroyed me last summer at a close friends wedding. He danced to it with his mother, which was a massive trigger for me.

CYG – Day 18

CYG – Day 18: Seasons + Symbols

Autumn makes me think of Benny. It’s where I have my clearest memories of him and when he passed.

The strongest symbol for Benny is sunflowers. The reason is My Sunflower Story.

CYG – Day 17

CYG – Day 17: Secondary Losses

Secondary losses are those that are felt after the loss of a loved one. Looking at this through the lense of someone nearly two years out, I cannot believe how much has changed in our lives. That day, that moment, those 6-9 seconds that now define our lives.

I’ve talked extensively about the relationships that are no more. There are people that just couldn’t be a part of our ‘after,’ our new reality. Losing our son was too real for them, like a disease they could catch. They were there for the services, said to call them if we needed anything and then just faded away slowly.

I used to love driving. I had an awful commute and spent hours in the car everyday, but I (disturbingly) loved it. Even though I was outside of the car when the accident occurred, driving reeks of responsibility. It also made me realize how unsafe cars are in general. Sure, I’ve been in several accidents before, mostly fender benders. I still won’t drive further than 30 miles or so. I now prefer being a passenger, which comes with it’s set of challenges for Parker as I constantly panic over his driving.

I’ve left my job. This was (mostly) my choice (see driving above). I couldn’t imagine being in the car again for hours on end. I couldn’t imagine seeing my clients again, most of whom I had known for years. I honestly couldn’t imagine the responsibility at first, the long hours, the focus needed to get stuff done. I wasn’t in the right mindset to handle my own projects, never mind someone else’s.

I lost the ability to answer questions about my children. The worst ones are ‘how many kids do you have?’ ‘what do you have, boys, girls?’ and ‘how old are they?’. Something so simple, gone.

I’ve lost my carefree child. Darcy was so young and innocent when Benny was taken from her. No four year old should ever have to endure what she has. She has no trust in the universe now either. Her innocence is gone. She’s scared if we’re late, thinks something has happened. She panics when anyone is sick, often asking if they can die from it. She often asks me how old I’ll be when I die. I can no longer promise her like I would that everything will be ok. She’s become incredibly sensitive and insecure. It is so painful to watch your living child grieve when there’s nothing you can do to fix it.

I loved my house. Sure, it was tight, but it was ours and we had done so much work over the years to make it ours. It was where we brought our babies home to from the hospital, where Parker proposed to me, where the kids grew up and made their first friends. Until recently, the driveway was off limits to me, I wouldn’t venture there. This proved troublesome because that’s where Darcy’s bus stop was, the mailbox, where I could park without getting ticketed during the day (trust me, it happened when I parked on the side street). I only started using it again because it was the only way that I felt safe carrying Fletch into the house. Now I’m trying to figure out where to put Fletch for the time being. I don’t want to take away Benny’s room, his dresser. It looks more and more like he’ll be moving into the closet for now (which isn’t as bad as it seems, it’s 5′ wide). I feel like I lost my house and security it once provided.

I’ve lost my ability to trust myself as a mother. I survived, Benny didn’t. This is something that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Mommy guilt x 1,000,000. Since the accident, I noticed that I have problems on stairs. I couldn’t figure it out until I talked to my therapist and she pointed out that my body has physical memory from the accident. I’m nervous carrying Fletch down the stairs, anything downhill. It brings me back to the accident.

I miss being able to meet new people and not think, ‘do they know??’ I hate that that causes me anxiety and insecurity. I want the ability to go out and just have fun and not worry if people know about what happened or not.

I’ve always been a bookworm. I love getting lost in other peoples stories and adventures. I find now that I cannot fully focus or concentrate on a book. I’ve started several since the accident and two years later I can honestly say that I’ve only finished a handful. I used to read several books a month! I keep trying though.

I feel as if the universe has let me down. I can no longer trust that ‘everything will be ok’ or that ‘everything happens for a reason.’ I’m constantly convinced that something bad will happen to Parker or the kids. I’ve always tried very hard to see the good in every situation, make lot’s of lemonade. These lemons are too sour and there’s not enough sugar in the world to change that.

CYG – Day 16

CYG – Day 16: Creative Grief

There are lots of different things that I’ve started doing since Benny died. Blogging, which started as a release for me has turned into so much more. Daily I think about several things that I could write about and I maybe get to about 25% of what’s in my head. It’s been a great way for me to process what’s in my head and try to make sense of it all. Gardening has been an amazing outlet and let’s me get my hands into the Earth and create something that can sustain my family. We’ve held two successful fundraisers in Benny’s memory and raised money for the GHF. Since the accident I’ve taken up yoga, which has been an incredible release for anxiety and stress. I haven’t been since Fletch was born and need to get back ASAP. I physically feel different from not spending my yoga time relaxing.

There are lots of things that I would like to do in the future. I would love to start a charity in Benny’s name, but I need to wait until I don’t have an infant at home. I would love to get back into painting, I used to really enjoy it when I was younger. I also think it’s something that Darcy would love to do with me. I love being able to include her in anything creative.

CYG – Day 13

CYG – Day 13: Regrets + Triggers

I have plenty of pre-grief regrets, but this is supposed to be about my grief regrets. I suppose I have a few of those too. My biggest regret is how selfish this whole thing makes me feel. There are days that I just feel like it’s all about me and my pain and there are so many people out there dealing with their own stuff. It’s hard to realize sometimes that there are other things happening outside of what happened to us.

I regret not writing sooner in the process, I think it would have been helpful. I regret that I don’t write nearly as much I want to, need to. There are so many things in my head fighting to get out.

I regret not getting my life back together sooner. Looking back, I feel like I was in a coma, even though I was present. I wish that I had picked myself up a little sooner.

There are triggers everywhere. Most of the time, I don’t even see them until it’s too late. A song, a picture, someone asking how many kids we have, blond toddlers, the list goes on. It’s one of those things you never expect until it’s too late and then you’re in the midst of it biting your lip, blinking your eyes and catching your breath and hoping that it passes quickly.

CYG – Day 12

CYG – Day 12: Normalizing Grief

This post is supposed to be about anything that you felt wasn’t ‘normal’ about your grief process. Parker and I were very fortunate to be surrounded by some of the most amazing people that pretty much told us that anything goes. We were never made to feel weird or awkward for feeling what we were feeling. We also never judged one another about what we were feeling either. We are pretty lucky to have an amazing support system.

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned, it’s that there’s nothing ‘normal’ about grief. We often don’t think about death until it’s upon us because it’s too depressing. And then you’re stuck in the middle of it treading water. Everyone’s reaction to grief is going to be different, each journey unique.

I’m gonna love you

I just heard this song for the first time tonight and I’m a puddle. Such powerful lyrics with a message that I know all too well.

The Bears from my Childhood

All of this ‘Berenstein’ vs. ‘Berenstain’ Bears nonesense has me thinking. I distinctly remember ‘stein,’ but have talked to other folks that remember ‘stain.’ I don’t get it, I really don’t and I’ve been reading articles most of the evening trying to wrap my head around it all.

I was reading one article aloud to Parker that talked about a parallel universe existing or several, where there were other ‘me’s’ that make different decisions. I looked at Parker and said maybe Benny’s alive in another universe. Maybe I brought him into the house like I was going to and then tried to take the key out of the car. Maybe we never went out that day. Maybe we never bought our house, but one with a flat driveway. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

It really got me thinking though, maybe there was no Benny in another universe because I never went to Wentworth and I never met Parker. Maybe my mom didn’t die of breast cancer and I ended up going to school in Virginia as planned. It’s amazing how much one little decision can affect the course of your life. I have no answers for the Berenstein debate. I do not understand how something that I swear to be true isn’t. There’s so many things about this life that I simply do not understand. Maybe there isn’t an answer, it’s not black and white.

Back in May, right before Mother’s Day, I went on my second grieving mother’s retreat. It was much easier the second time around because I knew so many of the mom’s from last year and my support group in Worcester. I wasn’t as anxious going into it. It was an amazing day of relaxation, yoga and being amongst friends. At the close of the day, we sat down with Peggy Huddleston, who authored the book ‘Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster’ where she talks about the mind/body connection and illness/injury. She also lost her son and was working with us to get into a relaxed state so that we could communicate with our loved ones.

I was a little dubious. I still couldn’t explain my experience with Maureen Hancock and I certainly wasn’t a medium. I had a hard time relaxing the first time that we did it. It was almost like being hypnotized, it’s hard to explain. I’ve always been a mind over matter type of person, especially when it comes to pain, but I was distracted by the person sitting next to me shifting around in their seat. I was seeing flashes, Benny’s face, but I wasn’t sure if I was seeing them because I wanted to or because something else was going on. We went around the room and shared what we saw and Peggy led us through the relaxation again and told us to ask our loved ones a question.

I panicked, I had no question for Bennett. I didn’t want to ask him if he blamed me, I wasn’t ready for that. I thought about it and figured I would just ask if he was with my mom. I’ve received so many signs from Bennett and so few from my mom over the years. I wanted to know where she was.

As Peggy put us under the second time I was really able to relax. At first I saw Benny’s face in my memory, but not Benny at 18 months, but an older Benny, a 3 year old Benny (which he would have been at the time). I’d never really imagined him as older, I wouldn’t let myself, it hurt too much. For whatever reason, this is what I saw. It was like looking at a movie with no sound. I asked him if he was with my mom and the picture changed to when he used to play her organ and shake his curls like Jerry Lee Lewis. I wasn’t sure if he was telling me no, or what. The picture shifted again and all of a sudden I was watching him walking. Then the picture zoomed out and he was holding a yellow balloon in one hand and my moms hand in the other. Clear as day, they were walking away from me.

I wasn’t sure if I saw what I wanted to or I was actually able to communicate. Peggy said not to question it, but logical me figured it was too good to be true.

A week later, my friend/neighbor Angela was chasing down WXLO to try to get tickets for their Mother’s Day brunch. At the last minute she was able to win some tickets for myself and another mother who had lost her teenage son exactly a year ago on that day. The brunch was at Uno’s in Millbury and the morning show was broadcasting live. They had a medium there and a nice little spread of food. I had no idea what to expect, as Angela had just messaged us the night before to let us know that she got tickets.

I’ve been warned by friends to be suspicious of mediums. My experience with Maureen Hancock was amazing, but I had taken every precaution so that she wouldn’t know my name. This time, we got the tickets the night before and they were in Angela’s name. There was no way that they had my information.

The medium started with a family behind us and honestly, I felt that I had my closure. I had what I wanted from Maureen and I was silently hoping that Angela’s friend Heather’s son would come through for her.

As the medium was walking around she said that she was getting a Margaret name. When no one spoke up I said that Margaret was my mom’s middle name. She asked me if her name began with a J, guessing Jane and I corrected her with Joan. She said that the she was sitting in the empty seat next to me. She asked me if there were 3 kids in my family growing up to which I said yes. Then she asked about the baby. I asked her which one, and she said that my mom welcomed the baby and was with him. She said he was in very good hands. She asked me if my grandmothers name was Anna, to which I said yes. My mom said she is with my kids and that my daughter has family blood (she’s a spitting image of me and my mom). She said that I’m very close with my mom’s sister (Aunt Dorothy) but that she’s very different from my mom. She asked me if my mom was sick to which I said yes. She said that my mom was the center person in our family and after she died that I took on that role. She said that my dad never recovered and deserves a ‘swift kick’ for falling apart on us.

I’m sure there was more, but my mind was blown. Even if the medium had my name prior to the event, there’s no way that she could have come up with that information. My mom died in 1996, none of this showed up on a google search with my name. She knew my grandmother’s name. I have no explanation. A week prior I was asking her and Benny if they were together and why I never get signs from her and instantly I have answers. I got validation.

After the readings were all over, they pulled a name from a hat for someone else in the room. I was hoping that they would pick my name so that I could give a reading to Heather. I was sitting there in my head saying please Benny and mom over and over. So they picked my name. And Heather got her reading.

I can’t make this stuff up. I can’t even begin to understand most of it. I don’t have an answer. Maybe it’s ‘stain’ maybe it’s ‘stein.’ I don’t know. I’m thankful that those damn bears got me to finally write this post that I’ve been holding on to since May. Believe it, or not, it happened. I can’t explain it, it just is. It just keeps happening, he keeps sending me signs and giving me exactly what I need. God I miss him.

A Little bit of Sunshine

Of course sunflowers showed up in the garden. Darcy told me today thar Benny must have planted the sunflowers when we weren’t looking. The second picture is onw of our pumpkins. It attached itself to a tree and is growing dangling over our fence. It’s bigger than a softball. When I found it today I was chatting with my neighbor Fran and her daughter Tara. Tara reminded me about the pumpkin at the cemetery. It was put there in October and we found it in the Spring, still intact. Funny thing is, we haven’t found a good place to go pumpkin picking since Benny passed. He knows best I suppose.

The People That Don’t Know…

The night of the accident, I had both of our Facebook pages taken down because we were scared that the media would pull information/pictures from them. It was almost a year before we reactivated Parker’s because he needed it for work. Mine remains down and I use Parker’s. I couldn’t fathom dealing with people from back home that didn’t know about the accident. I was already the girl who’s mom died in high school, I didn’t want another title.

The other day I dropped Darcy off at camp and was talking to Tara while toting around Fletch. A woman approached me said, ‘I don’t know if you remember me, but our girls took dance together at the Y.’ I recognized her and began to panic. Darcy was in dance when I was pregnant with Benny. We had a few play dates, birthday parties with this family and Benny had been there. She knew Benny and probably had no clue about the accident.

She asked how old Fletch was and started asking about Darcy. I redirected the conversation to her girls and hoped she would leave it at that. Tara was standing next to me and I knew she could tell as much as myself what was coming.

‘How’s your other son, Bennett I think? How old is he now?’. Now I’ve become pretty adept at telling people that he passed. I’ve never told anyone that knew him before. It was awful. Her reaction, the silence, all of it. I’ve been living with it for nearly 21 months now, but her reaction brought it all back, how truly awful it really is that he’s gone. It cut through me.

I felt bad for her, to ask such a simple question and get such an awful answer. Where can the conversation really go from there? She said she was sorry and I said it’s OK, which it’s not. We talked for a few more minutes about dropping her daughter off at camp and she left.

As soon as she was gone I think that Tara and I took a collective breath. I didn’t have to say much, Tara knew. It was like being on a train headed for a collision with no brakes.

The irony was that I had toyed with the idea of putting my FB page back up, but I don’t think I’m ready for that. For now, I’m ‘Parker.’. It’s a good thing that Parker really doesn’t care what I do as long as I maintain his business page. Things that were so simple before have become so complicated.