Tag Archives: grieving mother

Trauma Changes

Besides where this article reads that ‘crisis happened for a reason’ there is so much truth. You will never be the same. If you can take that new version of yourself and look at them and be the tiniest bit happy with what you see, then I call that a win. We get so few wins in this dance of grief. Take what you can get.

I Am Not Who I Once Was

Untitled-Because That’s Where I’m At

Do things ever seem like they’re going so great, so you forget to let yourself grieve? I mean, we can’t forget to grieve, we’ve lost a piece of our selves. But do you ever not let yourself grieve?

I’ve started about 5 blog posts and written down a few more and just can’t get myself to finish them. I cannot make myself sit down and write them. It’s super frustrating. I cannot let myself go there right now. And I’m not even sure why.

Maybe I’m scared if I do, it will negate what’s going right in my life. And then I feel guilty if I’m not confronting my grief, because what kind of mom does that make me? There’s so much damn guilt in grief.

I remember being upset in the beginning of this journey for feeling happy. It just felt wrong. Happiness felt out of place in this new normal. Now I feel guilty for not allowing myself more time to confront the sadness. And there’s so much. Even after 5 years there’s so much more sadness. Especially in the month of May.

I’ve spent more of my life dealing with loss than not. And I still cannot figure this shit out. I am exhausted.

So my fellow grievers, none of this makes sense. There are no stages or steps to grief, just a person trying to survive the unthinkable any way that they can. And that’s ok.

We’ve Crossed the Line

On February 1st Perry, my youngest rainbow baby officially became older than her brother Benny who passed. Now both of my rainbows have outlived their brother.

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t tough. Part of me sighs in relief that Perry has made it past 18 months and the other part of me is sobbing inside. That perfect little boy will forever be frozen in time at a year and a half. It nearly breaks me.

Time makes no sense and just keeps moving forward, further away from my Benny. His two younger siblings will never hear his laugh, pull on his curls or touch his dimples. They will know him in memory only.

I am trying to understand what that looks like to them. Benny will forever be this idea, something that existed way before them. I only hope that we can show them how real he was.

As the years have passed, Darcy has forgotten. She was so young when Benny died and the memories seem to be fewer and further between. It’s heartbreaking. A lot of the time it’s as if we are reintroducing her to him as well.

Time is the enemy and the hero all at once. As cliche as it sounds, it can heal. It can breathe joy back into a broken heart. We’ve been lucky to have the other three. We’ve been lucky to have each other. I just wish we could have it all

Your mama is missing you tonight buddy. XOXO

Christmas Cards

A month and a half after Benny died it was Christmas. Instead of sending Christmas cards, I was sending thank you cards to amazingly generous people that had helped us out. The second year, I decided there was no way that I could ever send a Christmas card again. It felt weird without my entire family being involved. five years later, not much has changed for me.

My sister sent this to me today and man does this author speak to me. Maybe some day I will be ready to send out cards again, maybe not. That’s the funny thing about grief, everyone’s path is different.

Send the cards. Or dont. Just do whatever makes this season survivable. Sending love.

Sending Holiday Cards after Loss

CYG – Day 4

CYG – Day 4:  Light & Dark

This is an interesting topic for me because it’s something that I deal with daily between Benny and Fletcher.  I’ve written before that I don’t know where one begins and one ends sometimes.  I think any parent that has a child of one gender and then goes on to have another probably confuses the memories, calls the child by the wrong name, etc.  What makes it even harder is the resemblance between the boys.  When Darcy was born she had black spiky hair and looked like Parker (obviously that changed), but both boys came out blonde and looking like Darcy and I.

2012-08-06_18-01-11_999 15 - 1 (1)

Benny’s a little older than Fletch in the photos, but the resemblance is there.  My mother in law had a photo at her house and Parker and I weren’t sure which child it was.  I’ve decided this is a good thing and to go with it.  Fletch certainly has his own (whiny) personality that sets him apart from his brother.

There are days when it’s hard though, when I’m exhausted and covered in spit up and I think to myself, my goodness, would we be dealing with this infant stuff again if Benny were here?  Would we really have had more kids?  It’s hard not to get really angry in those moments, to not think we’d past all of this and dealing with 3 year old stuff instead.  I’m being brutally honest here.  Now, I would never wish that Fletch wasn’t here and after all that we went through to have him, I know how lucky that we are.  Those moments are rare and fleeting, and I wish it wasn’t always one or the other, but that we could have them both here together.

This is my dark.  My one or the other.  It sucks.  I could never choose between my boys, I love them both so much.  It was never my choice in the first place.  Some days it feels like a choice though.  When I realize that the day has passed and I haven’t spent any real time thinking about Benny, but I spent the whole day with Fletch.  The guilt is insane.  I haven’t been to the cemetery since Fletch was born.  I’m working on figuring out how to have both exist in my life.  It’s this weird balancing act that always seems out of whack.

Fletcher is my light, he is my happiness and my hope.  I would do anything in the world to see him smile or get a chuckle out of him.  There is nothing that I love more than to snuggle that little man or see him interacting with Darcy.  He has brought so much life into this family.  He has brought so much happiness into my life.

How do they coexist together?  How do I grieve when I am so happy?  Anyone that thinks having another child after yours is deceased makes it easier is dead wrong.  It makes it complicated, because Fletcher’s life will always be intertwined with Benny’s death.  It’s so hard to grieve and feel joy simultaneously and that’s what I’m struggling with.