child loss – Page 8 – Sunshine, Angels and Rainbows

Reality TV

In the Fall I posted about the show This is Us. I was amazed by how much they touched on grief in the first episode. While the show jumps around throughout the span of the triplets life, you see glimpses of how the family has moved forward.

I have to be honest, I was hoping for so much more. In the first few episodes they touch on the baby’s death. The family cries, the mom has a hard time bonding with the new adopted son and then life goes on. I haven’t heard about it since.

No one has mentioned the baby. There has been no mention of if the baby is buried somewhere or if it even has a name (which I assume it doesn’t because they were going to use it’s name for Randall). Birthdays go by and they talk about ‘the big 3’ but there’s never a mention of the fact that on that day they also lost a child.

The episode where Randall eats shrooms and feels like a replacement for the baby that passed makes sense. How would he not feel that way? I know it was a different time and people weren’t expected to grieve like they are given the space to today. I get that. I still expected more.

How does mom not look at those 3 kids every day and not see one missing? How does she not feel that inside? We’ve never seen that. Maybe it’s coming and I should just wait, because the show jumps around. I’m frustrated. Even in present day, no one talks about the baby. Why?

And Just Like That…

Parker messed up royally. Why is it when we give them a little praise that they feel like it’s a free pass? No I did not write that last blog to give him the freedom to make poor choices.

It sounds like I’m talking about one of my children, ‘make better choices…’. Sigh.

Things in his life were out of control last summer. We talked about it and I told him he needs to change. I would be there to support him, but he had to put in the work. As much as I like to be in control, I hold no illusions that his issues are his issues. I cannot fix them for him, nor can I take them on. All that I can do is support him. And decide how much I am willing to invite into my life.

I said in the last post that there are days when yes, I question him and us. This is one of those days, this is what it looks like. I will not hide it or pretend things are OK when they are not. This is marriage. And I’m not ashamed at all to show just how imperfect it is after child loss.

He has his demons and I have mine. I have learned over the last few years though, that I cannot take on his demons or his failures. I can just hopefully help him through them.

It’s hard when you know just how short life is. It makes you really question what works and what doesn’t and puts things into pretty clear perspective. God, adulting is hard!

3 Years ‘AA’

I have been hiding out. Every part of my being has resisted writing about this since November 8th. It has been a long, dark road from there for me.

I haven’t wanted to write this out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of judgment, fear of offending someone. Please understand that this is my point of view based on my life experiences. Walking a mile in my shoes and all that.

I’ve been desperately sad. Three years is a very long time to not hold or kiss your child. It’s nearly double the amount of time that I got to have him on this Earth. That broken part of me that happened on November 8th is still there. It will always be there.

My daughter is now 3 years older as well. She was so little. Even though we speak of Benny often, I can see that her memories are fading a bit. It’s awful. I hate it.

My youngest son has now surpassed his older brother in age. Think about that for a moment. It seems like that defies logic. It does for me. I wish more than anything that they would grow up together as brothers.

I look at my husband as the only other human being who completely understands me and this pain. I cannot imagine what this would be like without his love and support.

I have made it three years, survived the unimaginable. I hate this anniversary that marks the passage of time away from my son. Every year is different and hard for various reasons. This year was different however. Because November 8th was also Election Day.

I tried so hard to separate my son’s tragedy from the circus that was going on. It was hard not to get sucked in though, it was hard not to be excited. It was the first time that my daughter was old enough to understand what was going on.

We went to the cemetery and brought Benny some be trinkets. My younger son sat in the grass and played with his departed brothers toys. It was bittersweet to watch. On one hand, they were playing together, on the other hand, it was close as they would get.

When we came home we began watching the electoral map. I tried so hard to distance myself from it all. It shouldn’t have mattered as much as my Bennett. Maybe that’s why it was so alluring, it was a break from our reality.

I stayed up and watched. Completely heartbroken. Completely shattered at what was happening. I honestly couldn’t figure out why I was so upset.

My husband kept saying, ‘don’t let this get to you. Today is about Benny.’

That’s when I understood. He was right, today was about Benny. It was about why I’m still here. It was about all of the love that we felt after our lives fell apart.

I felt disillusioned. In the moment that I understood that Trump had won, I felt that love had lost. You see, love is why we’ve made it as far as we have. The love that I share with the many family, friends and strangers that have lifted us up.

At least if I have to live in a world without my son, I was convinced that it was a good world, a kind world, filled with love. Now I’m not so sure. I’m confused. I’m devastated that what I thought all along, isn’t quite true. For me, it’s like learning that Santa isn’t real.

So bear with me. And if you don’t share my views, at least please respect them. I cannot help the way I feel.

Judgment

Well, I guess a little fight with an ignoramus from the comment section of a blog the I LOVE and relate to is what the doctor ordered to get me writing! I don’t know what it is about this week. The ‘judgies’ are out in full force!

A close friend posted about the twin boys and the dresser video, which I’m assuming by now everyone has seen. His comment, besides criticism to the media, ‘where were the parents?’ I almost stopped breathing from the rage that I felt boiling inside.

I am so damn tired of this. I am so tired of this new parenting method where we all try to ‘one up’ each other and cast criticism over EVERYTHING! And honestly, I don’t care if you do it in the privacy of your own home, gossip away! Talk about the friends that you feel give their kids too much sugar, or sweetener or whatever the ‘toxic’ ingredient is this week. Get it out of your system, I’m certainly not innocent!

Maybe that’s a bad example. The bigger problem is judging those that we do not know. We’ve never seen or talked to, but feel it’s ok to do so because we’ve read their story in the paper or heard about it on the news. And we feel all emboldened behind our computers. Just stop, PLEASE STOP doing it over the internet!! Stop making accusations and judgment calls on situations that you know nothing about.

I never saw blame after the accident. Not one comment. I feel like that whole thing started to happen more in the years that followed. What is happening? How is this not cyber bullying-adult style? How is it any better than what our teenage counterparts are doing to each other?

Enough already!! I can’t take much more. We need to stop tearing each other down as parents. I realize as I write this that I wasn’t so good at taking my own advice with said commenter. I need to do better. We all need to do better.

Here’s a link to the blog. Every word in it is spot on.

Parent Shaming

What’s Important

Tomorrow evening I will take the kids over to the senior center to vote for our next president. It is important to me that my daughter sees that she has rights that should never be taken for granted. She needs to understand that she should be educated on the issues at hand and look at the candidates from every angle, not just how the media spins them.

I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t been caught up in all of the hoopla that came along with this election cycle. It was hard to ignore on social media, even after I ‘unfollowed’ some folks for their ridiculous posts or comments. It was everywhere! It’s been all that we have talked about, fought about for months. Tomorrow is a very important day for this country. I’m so happy to be able to execute this right as a woman.

As a mother, tomorrow is a far more important day. It marks the the third year anniversary of the last time that we held our son. Three years ago we last saw him smile, stroked his hair and heard his voice. Three years ago we said good bye.

It was the worst thing imaginable. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Mother’s aren’t supposed to outlive their children. Pain like that doesn’t ever end. It changes you for life. You are never the same.

For three years I have lived without my son. Every single day I think of him. Every single day I ache for him. I would give everything and anything to just hold him one more time, run my hand through his hair and smell his little boy scent.

Tomorrow we will go to the cemetery and bring him his Halloween pumpkin. My daughter will be uncomfortable and running around and my other son will sit and play with the toys at the gravestone for a brother that he never knew. We will talk, maybe read a book and say good bye again.

My husband and I will be drained because we will be reminded of the horror that surrounds this day. For a moment I will catch myself off guard and I will remember holding my sons lifeless body and sobbing. We’ll tuck the kids into bed and hold on a little longer than we should, because we know all too well how quickly things can change. There are no guarantees.

We will probably stay awake as late as possible to see who is elected. And we will either breathe a sigh of relief or be completely devastated that another November 8th has ended in tragedy.

Here’s the thing though, I will still go to sleep tomorrow night and wake up the next morning. I will still be able to kiss my babies and go to work on Wednesday. I will be able to turn off the ‘unfollow’ button on the Facebook machine and get back to my life.

I’ve already lived through the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I’m here today because some pretty incredible people have stood beside us and showed us so much love and kindness in the face of loss.

Yes, this election is a big deal. Is it the biggest deal to me? I often find myself asking now in tough situations, ‘is this life or death?’ The answer is always no. It makes it a little easier to stomach in that moment.

Maybe it’s a coping mechanism I’ve developed. I’d like to think it’s clarity. Either way it works for me.

Tomorrow isn’t just about our next president to me. It’s about my family and what’s missing. It’s about loss and heartache, but it’s mostly about love. One little boy and his love for life.

Disney

Friends of ours offered us 4 tickets to see Disney on Ice this afternoon. I somewhat chuckled to myself as I pictured the shitshow that would ensue if we brought Fletch. I texted said friend and she told me to have Darcy invite a friend instead.

So off we went to enjoy the show. I was a little worried that the third grade girls might be ‘too cool’ for this whole thing, but soon enough we were all belting out Let it Go with Elsa! I was so happy!

Then I started thinking. This was probably it, the last time I would go to Disney on Ice because Darcy wanted to go. She’s growing up too fast and I can’t stomach it, but at the same time I love it.

We watched the little boys in front of us rocking out and going wild for Buzz Lightyear and it hit me that that fourth ticket could have been for Benny. He would have been 4.5, such a great age for the show. He would have loved it. He should have been there. He should be here.

Nearly 3 years. So much time gone, so much he missed. He would be so old now, already in Pre K. He would be a big brother. He would be a middle child. Lot’s of ‘would.’

I don’t give in to feeling sorry for us very often, but this sucks. Today’s realization sucked. He’s been gone nearly double the time that he was here and I can’t stand it. I shouldn’t have to.

Lot’s of ‘-un’s’ come to mind; unfair, unreal, unbelievable. The worst is undeniable because try as I might I cannot pretend that he isn’t gone or that he never existed. Because he was here and he was our Benny Bear. And I was so damn lucky that he was mine.

This is Us

Making Lemonade

Just wow.

Good Grief

I’m not sure that I fully understand this expression? In any case, Parker turned me onto this song and the lyrics are spot on. It’s upbeat, but that’s ok. It’s my life.

Good Grief – Bastille

Communication

We are deep into the second week of school. Darcy has very hesitantly entered the third grade. I’m not sure how she grew up on me so quickly.

School scares me. She’s had good teachers and she’s had great teachers. She’s not just another kid in that classroom, but someone that needs extra attention. We’ve struggled with our love for school when her teachers just don’t get it and her emotional needs are not being met.

I understand that classroom sizes can be huge and with IEP’s and grading papers, there is a lot of work for teachers to deal with. What I don’t like is an unresponsive teacher and a child who doesn’t want to go to school. A child that I know is hungry to learn and create and become a part of her classroom community.

Darcy’s a great student, a huge classroom helper and takes direction well (from her teachers), so all that I ever hear is what a joy she is to have in class. She’s one of the easy ones and sometimes that causes her emotional needs to be overlooked.

So I am sitting here right now with the HUGEST feeling of relief because we are 8 days into the school year and I have heard from her teacher twice already. Nothing bad, just trying to test the waters and see where Darcy is at with things. There’s nothing better than knowing that she is willing to reach out at the slightest bit of trouble. This woman has no idea how much better I already feel about third grade.

And guess what? This must translate into her teaching style because Darcy is LOVING school! She comes home happy, excited to share stories and of course some drama from her day. She’s feeling confident again and it’s so nice to see her excited for school.

And all it took was a little communication.

10 Years

‘Parker, when I first met you, I knew that you would be a good friend, but I never dreamed that we would be standing here together 7 years later. I know that I’m the lucky one in all of this because I get to spend the rest of my life with you. You, who have become my very best friend and the one person that I know I can always trust in. You, my little Packard freak, that I’m so proud of.

I have never felt the way that I do today, a mixture of hope, excitement, love and happiness. Today is really about making new memories and reminiscing in the old. You are my future, my heart and my life and I have never been happier than I am at this moment right now. I love you and know that this is an amazing new beginning for both of us. I’m so lucky to have found my one true love.’

‘Sheryl, who ever thought that when I met you 8 years ago that we would be standing here today. You are the most generous, loving, caring, unselfish person I know. I promise to love you, respect you, laugh with you and cry with you. You are my best friend, my better half and from this day on we spend the rest of our lives together making memories of us.’

-Our Wedding Vows

9-30-06 3652 (2) Ten years ago Parker and I made promises to one another and shared our love with our friends and our family. We vowed to always be there for one another. We promised to love one another.

One of the last songs we played at our wedding was ‘Better Life’ by Keith Urban. When you get married you have these preconceived notions about how your life is going to be. Hell, as a child, I dreamed about this. Everything is always so perfect in your visions for the future. Sure you talk about ‘sickness and health’ and ‘better or worse,’ but on your wedding day you only expect positive things to happen in your future.

I never expected my future title to be ‘grieving mom’ when I wrote those words and made those promises. No parent does. I never expected the last 3 years of my marriage to be filled with PTSD, counseling and grief.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would have to call Parker sobbing uncontrollably and tell him to get home right away, that something horrible had happened. I didn’t expect that we would say good-bye to our little blue eyed angel just as his life was getting started.

We were numb for so long. Both of us just absolutely terriffied, looking to each other to make it better. Both suffering with PTSD, flashbacks and nightmares. Clinging to one another trying to figure it all out.

Parker would cry in the morning and I would cry at night. It worked for us for awhile. He wanted to be surrounded by Benny’s stuff while I needed it shut away, with a few minor exceptions. No two people grieve the same way.

With a ton of love and support, we survived that first year. Then the second. Then the birth of our second son.

Now it’s getting tough again as Fletcher creeps ever closer to eighteen months. How did time pass so quickly? How are we here again? How come he looks so damn much like his brother?

We are struggling. Parker handles things very differently that I’m comfortable with. We’re working on it. I guess that’s all we can do. That and hold our breath until we cross that eighteen month threshold. That’s marriage though, working through the tough times.

I read these vows now and I’m trying to remember those two people that wrote them. They had so much hope for this amazing life together filled with happiness. I miss them. I miss their innocence. More days are happy than not, but there are just some days that are tough. When just existing feels hard.

On September 1st, we celebrate 10 years as a married couple. I had no idea what the future held when we made those promises all those years ago. I don’t know what tomorrow brings for us and our family. I do know that I love that man more today than when I wrote those words. I’m lucky to still call him my best friend.