Lemonade

I went out on Saturday night and had fun, real fun. I really laughed, I drank, I danced, I actually enjoyed myself. It was the first time in 6 months where I actually felt a shred of happiness.

Sure, from the outside it seems like I’m ok, that I’m holding it together. I’m numb, I’m busy, I’m putting this whole thing off. I don’t want to feel this awfulness, this empty sick feeling, so I pretend like it’s all ok. I think I do it so that maybe I will convince myself that it is true. I just keep making lemonade and I have to be honest, I’m sick of fucking lemonade!!

My friend lost her cousin tonight. Her cousin has twin baby girls that she spent such a small time of her life being able to love. I actually wrote to her that ‘no one should ever lose their mother or their child.’ Then I read what I wrote and realized I was talking about myself. I am only 34 and I have already lost two of the most important people in my life. This wasn’t supposed to happen again to me, I already had my tragic story. It all just seems so unfair and futile.

Pieces

When my mom died at 49 I was devastated.  She was my best friend, we did everything together.  I don’t think that many teenagers can say that about their moms.

We rarely fought and it was as if we were perfectly matched, ying and yang.  I was more outspoken, funny and social than her, while she was my conscience, my guide and was always there to lend an ear or an opinion.  She never stopped pushing me to do my best and I could because she believed in me.  She was one of the strongest people I know, but a quiet strength that didn’t beg attention, but rather serenity.

When she was gone all that I ever wanted was more time with her.  I needed her in my life so badly.  I begged over and over to have her back.  For years I was so angry that she was gone, that I almost missed      the most amazing thing…she had come back, just in pieces.

I saw her in my sister Debbie, who tried so hard to take over where Mom left off.  When Deb became a mother, she was my example, my teacher.  She has made me into a better mother.

I found her in my best friend, who I needed so badly in my life.  Tara is like my compass, my conscience and my sounding board all in one.  I don’t know what we would do without her in our life.

Sandy became my kiddos missing grandmother.  She and Mike loved my kids as their own.  I’ve never been more grateful to another human being.  Sandy has been my rock and always seems to know when I need her.  She is always honest with me.

My other ladies have become a part of my family.  Our lives were so empty until they came along.  The strength, love and bond that we share will never end.  I always know that we will be there to take care of one another.

My Aunt Dorothy is a piece of my mom.  She has so many great memories to share with us.  She’s a piece of my past and has worked so hard to keep my moms memory alive.

The biggest piece of her I found in my husband.  He’s the ying to my yang, my perfect balance.  He always pushes me to be a better person.  I can tell Parker anything and he doesn’t judge.    I couldn’t survive Benny’s loss without him.

So, I found her again.  A little scattered and spread out, but it was her. I’m so lucky to have this in my life, even though it took me a good 10 years to see it.

When will I get Benny back?  I’m holding out so much hope for this, to feel somewhat whole again.  I wish I could connect the dots already and see how this works out.  I need to believe in this to move forward.

‘You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.’

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