Tag Archives: Pebbles & Polka Dots

Day 29 – Reflect

My relationship with grief? Hmmm…I wish that I didn’t have one. I wish that it didn’t take over every facet of my life and my identity. I wish that November 8th, 2013 was like any other day. Except it’s not.

It’s as if someone threw a boulder into a lake that started a huge ripple effect. I hate what it’s done to me and my family, it’s made my life small, it’s made me small. I still feel such indescribable anger. I want to lash out at the Universe that did this to us. I’m mad, sarcastic and apathetic most of the time. It’s gross.

I’m sad, a lot. I still cry, a lot. I beg for this all to be a horrible dream. I miss Benny so much some days that it’s like a physical pain. I want him back so badly.

I’m hopeful. It might seem kind of odd to say that, but it’s who I am. I have this intense desire to always make the best of everything (even I cannot make a ‘best’ out of losing my son). I’m hopeful that I get to spend the rest of my life with Parker, watching Darcy grow up. I’m hopeful because we live in a world of ‘Greg Hills’ and ‘Pebbles & Polka Dots’ and all of the other amazing people that have made it their mission to show us love and support.

I don’t truly know where I’m at in my journey. We are marching toward the one year anniversary and I still can’t even fathom that Benny’s gone. In May of 2015, he will have lived as long as he was gone. How did time pass like this? I didn’t notice.

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Kindness

I haven’t written a lot.  I’ve been in a weird place.  Things have happened that I’m not ready to talk about yet.  Let’s just say that I’m done with the Universe…for the moment.  We’re no longer friends.

But I digress, because today is a good day.

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We have been blown away by the continued love and support of our friends and family.  They have grieved alongside us and helped us to heal.  They are missing Bennett as much as we are, yet they have continued to put us first.  These people show up, hold our hands and hearts as we continue to muddle through this year.  There has been so much love.

Today my heart is so filled with the love of people that were mere strangers before November 8th last year.  These people stepped forward and made it their mission to put a smile back on our faces.  They donated their time and resources to make our lives better in whatever way they could.  We’re overwhelmed by their love.

Today is a good one, in a sea of loss.  Today I am able to look at our lives and appreciate all that we have and smile.  Thank you for that, all of you that made today possible.