We went to Disney, our family vacation for 3. I remember a friend with 3 kids telling us that Disney rides favor even numbers. It rang in my head every time that Parker or I got onto a ride alone. ‘There’s someone missing!’ The little voice said, ‘where’s number 4?’
It was like we went back before he was born. The trip was busy, we were busy. There was no time for reflection or tears. By the end of the day we were all so tired we would just fall asleep. There was a happiness there. In those moments we were free from some of the suffering. It’s not like we forgot it happened or pretended it didn’t, it was more like we could breathe, and just be. No one there knew our story. No one asked us how we were doing, if we were OK. It was a vacation from our grief.
Coming home was OK for the first day. The second day it was if the accident had just happened all over again. It became so fresh, so raw. I missed ‘missing’ him. I missed my daily cry and fist shaking anger at the Universe. I missed my number 4.
We all have the mouse ears with our names on them. Park err had received some from as family friend years ago and Darcy got her Minnie ears during our last trip in 2011. I got a pair to match Darcy’s and we got Benny a pair of his very own. We have to keep doing the hot dog dance even if the ring leader isn’t here to do it with us. I’m sure he’s teaching my mom, uncle, aunt, grandmother and cousins.