5 Months ‘AA’

0312131828How has it been 5 months? It feels as if time has stopped for us, yet I see the seasons progressing. How have other people gone on with their lives, grown older? It just doesn’t make sense.

I look at Parker and wonder how we got here. How on earth have we survived 5 months without Benny? Where do we go from here? So many questions and never any answers.

We’re going to bury him in a month, just Parker and me. I don’t know how I’m going to survive that day. It makes it real, like this actually did happen to us. It’s easy to go about every day just avoiding it. Much easier than actually dealing with it.

I try so hard to keep it together. I’m so scared to let go, to really feel all of it, I feel as if it will swallow me up. It kills me to answer Darcy’s questions. How do you explain to your child that you weren’t able to save their brother? You spend a lifetime telling them you love them and you won’t let anything happen to them. A lifetime of kissing boo boos and saying it will all be ok. At the end of the day I failed. I couldn’t save him. My own child died in my arms and there wasn’t a fucking thing that I could do to change that. How do I explain that to Darcy?

What I would give for a do over. I would love to just click ‘undo’ and have the chance to fix this. Fix my broken life, my broken heart. I feel as if everything has gotten small, my life has gotten small. I drive, but I don’t drive far, especially not alone. I don’t enjoy being outside, it’s almost an agoraphobic feeling. I have no interest in the warmer weather, could care less. I would be happy in 10′ of snow right now, it would cover it all up, cover up where the accident happened so I wouldn’t have to look at it everyday.

I want to fix Darcy’s broken heart. I want this to have never touched her. I want to hear her and Benny tearing around the house, their shrieks and laughter making it hard to think. God I miss it. He brought so much joy and craziness into our lives. I miss the chaos. I miss Darcy’s happiness. It has been the hardest thing to watch grief through her eyes. No child should ever have to go through this.

5 months. Usually the passage of time is a positive thing. Not here, not now. Every day that passes is another day longer that I haven’t seen his smile, or heard his laughter. Every day that passes I lose another part of my little guy. God this sucks.

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