6 Months ‘AA’

14 - 21

I don’t know what to say.  I’m unsure how we’ve made it this far, keeping busy I suppose.  I still cannot wrap my head around any of it and it’s been 6 months.  I mean, I was there, he was in my arms and I still cannot believe that it has happened.

I’m not sure if it’s better or worse having Darcy around.  She’s been having such a tough time since February, we’ve been so focused on her.  Kinda puts our grief on the back burner.  I wish I could just give into it, but I can’t because she needs me so much.  The most independent little girl needs me.  I’m not sure if it scares me or makes me feel better.

We buried Benny on the 8th, just Parker and I.  It was exactly 6 months since the accident and he was born on a Thursday, it seemed fitting.  I think we were worse off leading up to it.  I felt very at peace when we did it, he has his little headstone or ‘Benny statue’ as Darcy calls it. It says ‘Captain Crazy.’ It’s weird to see his name, to actually put his remains in the ground, but we did it. He had his ‘bop’ (his paci), his tick tick from Mike and a little car.  We sat on the running board of the Packard (of course Benny’s last ride was in style) and talked.  We talked about Benny, about his memorial on his birthday, and we talked to him.  We said good-bye.  It made it real for me, which has been hard.  I don’t want to visit my son in a cemetery.  It’s all just so unfair.

We brought Darcy there for Mother’s day.  She did good, liked the idea of decorating for Benny, bringing him flowers and toys.  We brought him a truck and a ball.  There was a mason jar there with Daisies and sunflowers.  I’m not sure if they were for Benny or his neighbor, but regardless it was fitting.  Another sign, but this time from my Mom, Benny and of course Mason.  Darcy wanted me to read to her the names of all Benny’s neighbors, or new ‘heaven friends’.  It kills me that a 5 year old has to even know about a baby cemetery.  Again, so unfair.

I barely survived my first Mother’s Day.  It’s already a tough day because mom is gone, but now Benny too.  How much can one person take?  When Darcy was born I was finally beginning to enjoy it again, but then started to miss mom unbearably.  I feel like so much had already been taken from me, why Benny too?  I don’t get it.

A switch flipped today.  I finally started crying again, really giving in.  It’s all too real and the numbness seems to be wearing off.  I cannot believe that he will would be 2 on Saturday.  He only had one birthday to celebrate.  It’s so unbearable to think about.  I want him back, I want to be planning his second birthday instead of a Memorial.  I hate this.  I hate this.  I hate this.

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