Sometimes…

About 8 years ago, my 3 Day walking team and I put out a cookbook. I was going through it tonight looking for something and found these words that I wrote,

“sometimes people just pass through our lives and only stay long enough to make a difference.”

How very true indeed. When I think about all of the lessons that my children have taught me about life and love I feel lucky. They changed me, they changed my marriage and they made us a family. They made my life whole.

So my life is a little bit more like a donut now, there’s a big piece missing from the center, my munchkin is gone. I never thought that I would have a boy, it seemed such a foreign idea to me because I had two sisters. It hurts to remember all of the laughter that that little boy brought into my life. How coy he was when he smiled and how ridiculous he was when he tantrumed (it really was quite funny). He made me so happy and balanced out his sister. They were yin and yang. Maybe it was because they were so young yet, but they rarely fought. Most of the time Benny had Darcy in stitches, laughing hysterically over some antic that he had pulled. He was a performer and comedian and could have done so many amazing things with his life.

Today I was cleaning in my room and Darcy was behind me every time I turned around. I finally told her she needs to learn to play by herself for a little bit. I was picking something up off the floor when she said to me, ‘it’s because I don’t have a brother anymore to play with.’ It was a good thing that I was bent over so that she couldn’t see my face. How does one even respond to that? It was like someone physically stabbed me, it hurt so much. I wish I can make it all better, but I can’t.

Benny taught me happiness and laughter. Everything could be funny with him around. He taught me about patience like never before. He taught me about having a little boy and loving a son. Mostly he taught me life is short, there are no guarantees, how presumptuous of us to assume that there is a tomorrow. His life changed me, his death changed me. I miss the laughter and smiles. I miss Darcy’s playmate.

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8 thoughts on “Sometimes…”

    1. It’s in these moments when I’m home with Darcy alone that I realize he’s missing the most. They used to play together and she was his little ‘mommy.’ The quiet is what kills me.

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  1. Oh man, I can totally picture them. My mom has always said they remind her of my two. Even though I have another girl, there is definitely something about my daughter and the boy. I’m sure he’s made a lifelong impression on her. I know that’s no consolation, but I bet he instilled enough little-boy-crazy in her to last.

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    1. Darcy has enough of her own crazy!! We just need to work on finding it a little more. I cannot believe how much Phillip looks like Benny, I was taken aback at first yesterday. It was cracking me up how he kept ‘disappearing’ in the yard, thank goodness for fences where little boys are concerned!

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  2. I didn’t think a heart could break more than yours has and then I read the words your daughter said when you were cleaning. Those are the moments no one could even begin to imagine. I could never imagine a pain deeper. You have to deal with your entire family’s grief, not just your own. :-(. How horrible. I’m just so sorry. I do love when you share stories about Benny’s personality though. Just so you know, as someone who never met Benny, he comes right to life through your words, and we can imagine the joy. What a lucky guy to have you as his mom, to continue to honor him and talk about him and share his life. The donut analogy- beautifully worded, although I wish you never had to write it. :’-(

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  3. Thanks Katie. We put ‘Captain Crazy’ on his headstone for a reason. It’s good to write about him, I don’t want to ever forget a thing about him. I think sometimes it’s just easier to write about the pain than the memories. I’ll get there.

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  4. Sheri, that’s what i thought too, the pictures of Benny that I saw after the accident really surprised me. I shouldn’t have been so surprised because Darcy always reminded me of Lila! Maybe that’s my biggest reason for feeling such a connection and need to support you. I am glad he ended up making you laugh!

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