Pictures

We’re leaving on vacation tomorrow and I had promised Darcy that we would work on a scrapbook of her and Benny. Of course I forgot to print out pictures, so here I am at midnight uploading to Wal-mart in my frenzied last minute panic.

I just sent 187 pictures to be printed. 187 memories of my family complete. 187 times when we were whole. 187 times before the accident that made us a family of 3 again.

I don’t often go here, because it hurts too damn much, but I’m sad tonight. I think some part of me goes about my day playing a part, as if Bennett didn’t exist. What an awful way to live my life. It’s too hard to remember what actually happened, so I think I’ve processed it as if he’s gone away. Not tonight.

I’m looking at these pictures and it devastates me so much to see my kids together. That will never happen again, Darcy will grow older in pictures alone. She has a brother that she doesn’t get to see, or touch or laugh with. There is no feeling on earth worse than this right now. IMG_4260

I know that I had it all and now it’s gone, he’s gone. I cannot get Darcy’s comment out of my head when I told her to play by herself, ‘but mom, I had a brother.’ It’s brings so many happy, painful memories to my mind. I cannot stand being alone in this house with her, it reminds me too much of what’s missing.

I had a son. His name was Bennett. I miss him.

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4 thoughts on “Pictures”

  1. Tears, tears, tears. The happiness and innocence in this picture is incredibly tangible. My son has the exact same outfit Bennett was wearing in the first picture you had on here (the brown and white striped sweater onesie). :-(. I can’t help but want to brush his little hair aside and hug him for you.

    Today there was a rainbow above my backyard. I didn’t see it, my husband didn’t see it. My son said “look, a rainbow, up in the sky”. There was nothing there. He had just learned that word so we figured he saw a streaky cloud and was confused. Ten minutes later he said “look at it”. We both looked up and there was a big bright rainbow, very high up in the sky that lasted over an hour. I’ve never seen anything like it. I’ve never seen one that high up and I’ve never seen one that lasted that long. I thought about your Benny. I took a picture of it and after I looked at it later, I saw what looked like a butterfly or angel wings in a cloud right next to it. I thought I should share.

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  2. Apparently! The very next morning after I wrote this, waking up from a nap in the afternoon he again says “look mama, a rainbow”. He was in my room so I thought “sureee” but I looked up and there was a huge rainbow across my ceiling of all places. The light caught a CD that was on the floor just the right way and created a huge rainbow with a little rainbow next to it. That CD has been there for months and I’ve never seen that. I’ve now seen it two days in a row. I’d show you the pics if I could attach them here. Anyway, made me think of your little guy. Maybe he wanted me to share it with you. Enjoy Colorado, both of my older brothers live in Denver. It will take your breath away.

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  3. That is an absolutely beautiful picture. They are both so gorgeous and happy! Katie is right. I keep deleting what I type here… She summed it up..I want to give him a big hug too. I think I totally missed out by not knowing him. Praying for your strength too on this trip and hoping you enjoy some good times as well.

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