I Said It

A week or so ago I had a doctors appointment. I was sitting down with the nurse and an intern to go through the normal ‘stuff’ and she and I were chatting. I had seen her at the doctor’s several times and we had always exchanged pleasantries.

She asked me how many children I had. My normal answer is to say that I have a daughter. This time I said that I have two and I held my breath to see where the conversation would go. She asked how old and I told her that Darcy had just turned six. I then took a deep breath and said that I had a son and that he had passed.

The intern kept doing what she was doing, completely unfazed, but the nurse stopped and looked at me. She asked if I had just said that my son had passed and I told her yes, he had. She looked at me and said she was sorry and I kept waiting for ‘the look.’ What happened next took me by complete surprise. She told me that she had lost one of her daughters 2 years ago. She was one of ‘us’, she got it. She talked about her daughter and I talked about Benny.

I wanted to give this woman a hug, she had just made the first time that I really told a stranger about Benny pretty damn easy. I was sad for her too though. Here was this woman that I had talked to several times, never knowing that she knew all too well my pain. We’re everywhere, moving forward through life, even though we don’t want to.

This moment brought me up short. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so alone. It was like the hospital all over again. Another stranger reaching out and making it ok for us. I truly believe that Benny was all over this too.

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8 thoughts on “I Said It”

  1. I have said those words too- and they are so hard. If you had to say them, I am glad you were met with an understanding response- true understanding. It does make it easier. hugs.

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    1. I got the strength to say those words from your blog and other mothers that I have talked to. I knew it was time. I never expected to say those words to someone else who understood so clearly what I have been through. There was no look of feeling bad for me, but rather understanding. It was a beautiful moment for me. Thank you for the courage.

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  2. It’s been 2 1/2 years and I haven’t been able to say those words to a stranger. I’m so afraid of just falling apart if I do. It’s amazing that you not only told someone, but that you happened to say it to someone who, unfortunately, gets it. I’m glad you made a connection.

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    1. I had truly been dreading it, but it was like a band aid I felt I needed to rip off. You will get there in your own time. I probably would have fallen apart if not for her reaction.

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  3. I hate “the look.” It makes me want to just walk away. There are so many of us grieving mothers. It is so important that we share our stories and reach out and support other mothers. No one can truly understand the pain unless they experience it, and I don’t wish that upon anyone.

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    1. The ‘look’ makes me avoid people. There’s nothing worse to me than being pitied. Then I feel like I have to make everyone feel comfortable with the ‘situation’ and it puts a lot of pressure on me. The understanding that I have gotten makes me feel so less alone. I’m so thankful for the support of everyone else that I’ve met.

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  4. Its been six years since my son Aaron took his life. I can’t say that I had that “moment”. It is still very difficult for me to mention him although he is still added into “how many children do you have” answer. Of course no one dare ask me what ages are they. I have 14.

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