I just did something that I’ve needed to for months. I didn’t want to do it, even though I knew that I had to. It was my last piece of holding onto the old me and I’m so sad.
Most days I’m OK with the new me. She enjoys cooking and playing with Darcy, doing projects around the house and helping out Parker at work. She goes to yoga and takes naps and time for herself, her life from the outside is simple. Of course I know there is nothing simple about me now, but things are certainly less hectic.
I miss the part of me that did it all and loved it. That got up every morning, drove Benny to daycare and sat in traffic for over an hour just to get to a job she loved. There was nothing lazy about that version of me. I was driven.
I know what I can and cannot handle. I know my limits. Some part of me hopes that I see that piece again, that girl that was so driven in life. Sometimes I miss her. I miss the before. I miss my little man and all of the chaos.
I used to be OK with change and be able to roll with it. Now it terrifies me. I can’t go back. I won’t ever be ‘her’ again. Another death, another goodbye. Today I’m grieving for who I was and will never be again. I’m so very sad to let it go.