Can’t Sleep

Darcy got the dreaded stomach bug last night. We were up until 3 am on the couch, that girl is a trooper. No whining, no complaining, just happy to hang out in the middle of the night.

I cannot sleep tonight because she is in her room and I am in mine. She hasn’t been sick in almost 24 hours and there was no fever, I just cannot sleep. I know she’s fine, but I have to keep checking to make sure she’s breathing. Maybe she needs bunk beds for when mommy’s feeling insecure.

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Hopeful – Last October

Parker and I always knew that we wanted more babies after Benny passed.  Darcy wasn’t meant to be an only child.  I had always wanted three, but when we had a very spirited second child, I had begun to rethink that plan.

So over the summer we tried again.  We figured it would take a while, seeing as how it took four months for us to conceive the first two.  Imagine my surprise when we fell pregnant rather quickly.  We found out on September 1st, our 8 year anniversary (there’s that number again).  Based on everything, we were due on May 8th…the 6 month mark of the accident, the day that we buried Benny a year ago.  I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but I was excited, I had hope again.

On September 8th, I started spotting.  I had gone in for bloodwork earlier that day and when I called the next morning, my numbers were low, super low.  I knew that I was miscarrying, but I was so angry at the injustice of it all!  Hadn’t we suffered enough??  And of all days, for this to happen on the 10 month anniversary of Benny’s death?!  I was not in a good place for awhile.  I felt like I was falling backwards again.  I only had hope for 8 days, but it was a lot to lose so quickly.  I just kept thinking that I had been pregnant three times and I only had one living child.  I was beside myself.

We went to see the midwife.  She had seen me when I was pregnant with Benny, but since moved to a practice here in Worcester.  We went in and she asked if we could wait before trying again.  I started crying and told her no, that we had already lost too much.  I told her about Benny and how we felt we had lost so much time already.  I was going to be 35, and that meant now I fell into the ‘older mom’ category, that scared the shit out of me!

Fast Forward to October 15th.  I was having a hard time that night.  I had already taken a hundred pregnancy tests (or so it seemed) and nothing.  I was sad, I was desperate.  November 8th was hanging over my head and for the first time, I realized how close it really was.  How it really had been a year since my world imploded.

I lie in bed next to Parker snoring and I begged Benny to pull a miracle.  I needed that hope again, I wanted to feel life growing inside of me.  I cried and I begged Benny and my mom to pull some strings.  I wanted to fill my empty arms.

I had two dreams that night, one filled with positive pregnancy tests (which I had last time too).  In another dream, there were two little boys.  One was definitely Benny and a part of me knew that he was ‘on loan,’ he wasn’t mine to keep.  The other looked similar, but was much calmer.  I think we were at the beach, because both boys were eating rocks and sand and I had to keep pulling them out of their little chubby hands.  I woke up nervous and excited.

After I put Darcy on the bus, I tested and got a faint line.  This made me nervous, because we got faint lines last time too.  I tried really hard to breathe and stay cautiously optimistic.  I called Parker and said, ‘so I had a dream last night.’  He said, ‘yeah me too.  I dreamt that we had a little boy that looked like Benny, but he was different, and I knew it wasn’t Benny.’  I started to cry.  How is it possible that we both had little boy dreams on the same night??

I’m attempting to stay cautiously optimistic.  I understand too well that there are still a million things that could go wrong.  But I have a Benny on my side.  He’s already pulled some incredible stunts, so I’m hopeful that this is one of them.  The bottom line is that I’m hopeful again, which is an amazing feeling.

What on earth do you say to a bereaved mum? It’s simple, STALL

Beautifully written. In all of my anger, I never thought of what people SHOULD do, just what they SHOULDN’T do. Great advice.

Chasing dragonflies

It can seem like there’s plenty of advice about what not to do when it comes to grief. I’ve written a number of emotional posts about how some people get it ‘wrong’ when talking (or not!) to a beavered parent, such as this one and this one. While my rants are only one element of my complex grief emotion, I am, in the main, very accepting that people can’t be expected to ‘get it right’ all the time when dealing with such a sensitive issue (though I have heard some true howlers!).

But there are times when it’s worth knowing just what bereaved mums like me want from our friends and acquaintances particularly in the early days.

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Silence – Last September

After the accident happened and they loaded Benny and I into ambulances, I started praying.  I’m not a religious person, but I knew in that moment that I needed a miracle.  When they don’t let you ride in the ambulance with your child, you know it’s bad.

I don’t remember much about the ambulance ride except for the pleading that was going on in my head.  I begged my mom over and over to save my little man.  I begged my grandmother, my aunt, my uncle, Parker’s aunt, Jodie, anyone to make it better.  I begged and pleaded over and over.

When we got to the hospital, the EMT’s told me that they would let us in where they were working on Bennett, but that I had to control myself.  If I couldn’t hold it together or I became a problem, they would take me away.  I nodded and knew it didn’t matter because I was so devoid of feeling at that point anyway.  I just kept praying.

I begged the doctors to save him.  I tried to explain how special he was.  They just kept saying that it didn’t look good.  I kept begging, praying and pleading in my head.  Someone had to save him.  This couldn’t be happening.  Not to my son.  Not to us.

There was nothing, there was silence.  No one saved him for me that day.  We didn’t get our miracle.

10 months later I am here again.  We found we were pregnant, on our anniversary.  We were surprised, happy, elated.  I was ecstatic that Darcy would have a sibling to grow up with.  I was scared, but so happy for the first time in a long time.  For one week, things were looking up.

The night of the 10 month anniversary of Benny’s death, I started bleeding.  I knew something wasn’t right.  So I started praying again, begging even.  This couldn’t be happening, not again, not to us.  I spoke to the doctor’s office and they said based on my bloodwork, my numbers were low, it was ‘indeterminant’ if I was pregnant.  A chemical pregnancy they called it.

I’ve prayed, I’ve begged, I’ve pleaded.  I don’t know what else to do.  It’s been met with silence.  I don’t know how to make sense of this.  What cruel fate have we come upon?  How many times am I supposed to pick myself back up?  Do we ever get the miracle?  Will we ever get a break?

News

I recieved a call today from our midwife that all of our tests have come back perfect for Baby Roaf.  As of today, little less than 20 weeks, he is healthy.  For months I have been blogging in the background about the excitement and terror of going down this road again.  Making the decision to have another was not something that Parker and I took lightly.

This has been a tough road to get to this 20 weeks.  Back in September we suffered another loss, an early miscarriage.  It didn’t feel right from the beginning and I just convinced myself that I was being paranoid, that we had suffered enough.  I was devastated to find that I was right and we lost ot only a baby, but the hope and excitement that we had for the future, yet again.  It was probably the worst I’ve felt since losing Benny.  It felt so unfair.

We became pregnant again right after and went through a roller coaster as they said this one didn’t look viable either based on early numbers.  Well, they were wrong.  We soon found out it was another boy, but I couldn’t begin to describe how that feels.  A mixture of joy and terror.

It is also with a mixture of joy and terror that I share this news.  While we are excited, I am also tremendously scared of what the future holds and what this means for me emotionally.  What I have now is hope though and I’m holding onto that tightly.

I will back post the blogs that I have been writing for the last 20 weeks in time.  There’s so much Benny involved in this recent pregnancy, it’s crazy.