Breathe

Everyday I write a new post in my head.  If they could just invent something that could interpret my tjoughts to the written word, I would be so relieved.

There is much going on, so much happening.  I’ve forgotten how hectic life is with an infant.  I’ve forgotten how stressful it is to get Darcy out the door in the morning for school.  It’s time to sign up for dance and girl scouts and I just want it to all pause so that I can catch my breath.  I want to enjoy this time with the kids, but it’s been go, go, go.

I need the release that writing brings for me.  It’s akin to walking/training for the 3 Day.  My aunt once asked if I attended church and I told her that walking with my ladies was my church.  It bring me inner peace.  So does writing.

A month ago I committed to training for the 3 Day and eating healthy.  I have since started getting up early (perish the thought) abd walking 3 miles every morning.  I have so much more energy and I’m bone tired at the end of the day.  I’m sleeping!!  I’ve enjoyed cooking and baking with all of our fresh veges fron the garden.  I used to hate making dinner, now I could spend hours in the kitchen with Darcy whipping up our healthy creations.

Now I need to commit to writing again.  I need to get it all out of my head so that I can sift through and process what is happening.  To say that this has been a confusing road would be an understatement.  It’s a hard balance between joy and sorrow some days and trying to figure out what I am truly feeling.  Even as I type this with my perfect second son sighing besides me, I miss Bennett so much more.  The common theme now is ‘why can’t we have both boys?’  Parker and I say it all of the time.  It often feels like it was one or the other, as if we made a choice, as if we could, as if we would ever want to.

It feels so right, yet so wrong all at once.  It’s hard to put into words.  It’s as if Fletcher being here has confused things, sharpened the loss.  I remember when Darcy was born that I felt like I lost my mom all over again.  This feels similar.  I want him back so badly.

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2 thoughts on “Breathe”

  1. I just want to say that you’re amazing. “I just want him back” hurts me to read. Your words describe your feelings so painfully but so honestly. I make wishes on the clock when it turns 11:11. It’s something stupid I’ve done since high school. Every time I’ve made a wish since that day, it’s that you get to be with Benny again one day. Those wishes always come true. ❤

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  2. First, in my email, it titles your post as “1338,” yet on the browser, when I clicked to read it, it titles it “Breathe.” Strange!
    People obviously just want to see you happy, including me, and seeing you busy with the baby and Darcy and the garden, and the kitties — it all seems so right. It’s like, things are moving in the right direction for you, but that doesn’t mean you feel any less aching for Benny, and you deserve to have all three kids in the same place. Maybe you need a good cryfest, or a quiet day to yourself. I know a few people who’d be more than willing to hang out with Fletch for a couple hours! 🙂

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